Cadbury Marvellous Creations

Now, imagine eating a handful of jelly tots quickly followed by a handful of chocolate. That would be a time consuming way of eating a fairly disgusting snack, wouldn't it? Well, Cadbury's best chocolate technicians have managed to cut that time from 5.5 seconds to roughly 2.3 seconds - thereby saving you 3.2 seconds.

It's basic science - they've simply chucked in a load of jelly and smarties into their Dairy Milk and called it "Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy Shells Covered in Delicious Cadbury Dairy Milk".

(Unfortunately they've also chucked in some popping candy. Note to Cadbury: NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF SEVEN LIKES POPPING CANDY.)

I like the name "Marvellous Creations" though. It's very modest. I'm thinking of renaming this blog "Really Good Gobble Monkey" or "Excellent Sweet Blog". Anyway, in case you were thinking it's a bit rich of Cadbury to decide themselves how "marvellous" their product is, STOP PANICKING.

On the back of the packet, Cadbury explain they have something called a "Joy-o-meter" at their headquarters that measures the "levels of marvellousness" of their chocolate. The exact specifications of this Joy-O-Meter are NOT explained, but I think we should trust them. It's not like it sounds made up or anything.

After all, they named it after the location of their HQ, which Cadbury claim is based somewhere called "Joyville", see?

Joyville sounds brilliant, doesn't it? I bet it's just like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Oh yeah, close your eyes and picture the chocolate rivers and orange dwarf slaves! Here's a picture of Joyville from the Cadbury marketing campaign:

Joyville

Sadly, I looked it up and in reality, Cadbury's head office is Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge. Here's Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge:

Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge

WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE RIVERS?! 

But listen, if Cadbury's were honest about their HQ, then they'd have to rename their Joy-o-Meter "Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter" which would be confusing for everybody.

So best not worry about it. ANYWAY, squares are boring, right? Straight lines are for losers, we all know that. Why not get rid of all square shaped things and replace them with random shapes? That would be more fun, wouldn't it? NO BECAUSE HOUSES WOULD FALL DOWN.

Well, putting jelly into chocolate wasn't quite mental enough for Cadbury, so they went even further and made the chocolate 'squares' in Marvellous Creations all squiggly. What have they been putting in the tea at Uxbridge Business Park, eh?! Those guys are cray-zee.

BONKERS

The 'squares' have different textures on them too - one's a bit wavy, one looks a bit like it's been sitting on grass for too long, one has 'Cadbury' written on it. Don't worry, they all taste the same.

In truth, whisper it, the irregular-shaped pieces are a genius move by Cadbury - fine, the textures make no difference - but the different shapes mean you get a varied amount of jelly/candy shell etc in each piece, ensuring you'll keep going back for more.

Unfortunately, while the jelly pieces make a surprisingly pleasant addition to the chocolate, the popping candy is a step too far and pushes the bar into novelty territory. However,  the other new bar in the Marvellous Creations range, Cookie Nut Crunch, is amazing.

It's probably the most moreish chocolate I've ever eaten in my life - and I don't even like nuts.

It really sends the Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter off the scale. (IF THE SCALE WAS A MARK OUT OF SEVEN AND "OFF" MEANT A SCORE OF SIX)

Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 3 out of 7

Marvellous Creations: Cookie Nut Crunch, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 6 out of 7

Rowntree's Randoms: Squidgy Speak

Hey! We all remember Rowntree's Randoms don't we? Foam gums shaped as "crazy" "random" objects like an ice cream cone or a trumpet or something like that. Ha ha I am laughing just thinking about them.

Well, Rowntree's have had another random idea! Instead of bothering to actually make the foam shapes, now they are just making rectanglular-shaped gums with the "random" words written on them. Saves a lot of time at the factory you see. 

One day we'll be able to just buy a packet of sweets without the chore of actually having to eat them, won't we? And we can just make funny sentences or laugh for a full 10 minutes at a foam trombone, without having to bother actually chewing anything. ONE DAY.

OK so each gum has a "random" word on it. There's only 40 possible words in total you can get, so they're actually not THAT random, but hey, you can't expect Rowntree's to think of any more than 40 crazy words like these. They'd go insane. 

Here's some of the words I was lucky enough to get in my packet: (GET READY FOR HILARITY!) 

Teapot!

Clock!!

Hedgehog!!!

AND...

Actually sorry not sure what that one is. 

Anyway, now you can make very amusing sentences such as: 

HA HA HA. Hedgehog teapot clock! How quirky. It's almost a shame to eat them isn't it?! (Well, actually it is a shame because they taste disgusting.)

But don't take my word for how fun Squidgy Speak are, just ask Rowntree's trade communications manager Graham Walker: 

“With its quirky personality, Randoms has proven such a success with consumers that we recognised the opportunity to extend the brand with another fun new product," he says. "Retailers looking to maximise sales should locate next to Rowntree’s Randoms on the fixture to ensure strong visibility."

Graham sounds fun and quirky himself, doesn't he? Extending brands, ensuring strong visibility etcetera etcetera... He's like a walking Rowntree Random is our Graham. 

They should of let him go that meeting where they chose the 40 words. He's got loads of ideas. I'd love to see words like 'Extending", "Visibility", "Consumer" and "Graham" in Squidgy Speak. That would actually be more random than hedgehog. 

Why is hedgehog such a "random" word anyway? Surely any word taken out of context is random. The only truly non-random word they could really put on a Squidgy Speak is "random". Or this of course:

That's my favourite one. 

Rowntree's Randoms Squidgy Speak, 45p
Gobble Monkey says 3 out of 7