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Saturday, 18 February 2012

Percy Pig "Easter Egg"

Oh Percy.

What have they done to you now?

The shame - forced to wear what can only be described as a multi-coloured thong made of hundreds and thousands. Look at him, waving coquettishly like he's debuting his new Spring collection of swim wear. My poor poor Percy.

This giant chocolate version of the M&S mascot, clearly aimed at the Easter market, must have been created to feed that small sub section of egg-hating Christians who want to enjoy Easter without being forced to eat an egg.

Personally I think that a giant pig in sprinkly pants is what God had in mind when he invented Easter.

In 1996 I re-named Easter "Egg Day" to annoy Christians - but I can see that soon all remnants of any religious or pagan concepts associated with Easter will be long forgotten and it will be known simply as "Random objects made of chocolate day". And I'm totally in support of that. Eggs have had the monopoly on Easter for too long.

Curiously this product is just labelled "Percy Pig" - as if it is the definitive Percy Pig product. Then right next to that: "Percy Pig flavour".

Is "Percy Pig" an official flavour now? Like cheese or banana or blue raspberry? You can't just go around making up new flavours M&S. That is illegal. The back of the packet describes it more accurately:

"Hollow white chocolate pig with dried raspberry and strawberry concentrates and decorated with sprinkles (2%)"

(In fact, I bet that is Marks and Spencer's evil plan - to elimiate eggs and rename Easter as 'Hollow White Chocolate Pig with Dried Raspberry and Strawberry Concentrates and decorated with Sprinkles (2%) Day' and force everyone to swap their hollow pigs and roll hollow pigs down hills instead.)

It tastes OK - very sweet and fruity. I'd wager it would be impossible to eat a whole one without being violently sick. Especially when the moment comes where you realise you are nibbling off Percy's edible thong.

But the final indignity comes when you turn Percy over to discover this:

Percy's bare bottom. HAPPY EASTER INDEED.

"Percy Pig", Marks and Spencer, £6
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7


Saturday, 11 February 2012

Bitsa Wispa

Wispa fans! You love Wispas right? No ordinary chocolate for you guys, right? You like a bit of AIR in your chocolate. Air is so TASTY isn't it? I don't know why they don't add it to more things. HMM MMM you love a bit of air. Can't get enough of the stuff by normal breathing can you? You have to have it injected into all your confectionery too.

Anyway, there's only one thing tastier than a Wispa, right? YES - 9% of a Wispa.

LOOK: a normal full size Wispa is 12.2cm by 2.9cm:

And a "Bitsa Wispa" is 2.1cm by 1.4cm:

No more trying to eat that unmanageable 12.2cm monolith, now you can enjoy the great air-added taste of Wispa, ONLY SMALLER.

I ain't no professor, but everyone knows 9% of something is 145% tastier than the whole.


It just took some genius at Cadbury's to apply the equation to chocolate. I'd like to see all chocolate companies just chop up an existing product into 9% size chunks, give it an hilarious name and re-sell it to the public at inflated prices. That's my dream.

Amazingly, Cadbury have actually run a competition (you can read about it here) to be the FIRST PERSON TO EVER EAT A BITSA WISPA.

NEWSFLASH CADBURYS - I ate a 'bitsa wispa' 17 years ago when I just took a bite out of an existing Wispa.
Cancel the competition.

Anyway, it stands to reason, the SMALLER bits you chop your product into, the NICER it will taste. No new ideas, no new ingredients - all you need is a catchy name. With that in mind, here's some free ideas for confectionery giants:

Tiny Twix - a perfectly replicated Twix - shrunk to 0.02% of it's size in a handy sized snack pack.
Yorkie Crumbs - just crumbs of a Yorkie bar in a handy sized snack pack.
Aero Air - this is just the chocolately smelling air from the bubbles of an Aero - trapped in a handy sized snack pack.

It seems the recession has forced Cadbury's to invent new ways to rip off their customers:
1) make everything smaller, 2) insert extra air into everything.

Check out their new "Dairy Milk Bubbly" - "Milk chocolate with an aerated milk chocolate filling"

Ooh a bubble. Bubbles are so delicious, tasting of NOTHNG as they do.


NEWSFLASH: Air is free. I don't need to be charged extra for air. Air doesn't make things taste better. (It does make things look bigger though, doesn't it Cadburys?)

Imagine going to the shops for a potato and having Sainsburys charge you an extra 20p to buy one of their new aerated potatoes with added holes. Or a sausage with a big gap in it. What about a new book - with page 147 left completely blank?

And yet Aeros, Wispas, Bubblies and the rest are held up like ground breaking scientific breakthroughs from the future, revolutionising the humble cocoa bean. Listen, the coca bean was around 2000 years before some *$%* came along and started "aerating" it. So just leave it alone.

(And don't even get me started on Curly Wurlys.)

Bitsa Wispa, approx £1
Gobble Monkey says: 0 of out 7

Cadbury's Bubbly, approx £1.90
Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7 (Milk). 2 out of 7 (White)

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Slush Puppie Squeeze Candy


It's one of those old English laws that if it ever snows in the UK, ALL humans must immediately stop what they are doing and talk about snow for the next 24 hours non-stop.

The first 6 hours will be excited chitter chatter and gazing out of windows, taking photos of back gardens and general screeching. This must be followed by 18 hours of pure moaning. Then, the next day, when the snow has inevitably turned to evil black sludge, the entirety of the day must be spent reminiscing about the snow, talking about how much everyone misses snow and wondering if the snow will PLEASE PLEASE come back. Every one will agree that snow is at once the best thing that has ever happened ever, and simultaneously a terrible curse of the planet because it made a train go slowly in Kent.

The snow will then be immediately forgotten, except when wistfully recalled by an old grandad, like a thing of fantasy and wonder that could not possibly exist in the tropical climates of England. Until next winter.


In fact, not many people know that snow was actually first invented by the Slush Puppy Company in 1982 in order to sell frozen water to children at vastly inflated prices.

Slush Puppies were a bit rubbish weren't they nostalgia-fans? Crushed ice mixed with an painfully sweet flavoured syrup to make a non-refreshing treat. Whenever I got one, I would greedily  suck up all the flavoured syrup from the bottom, leaving me left with a large paper cup full of tasteless ice. But luckily a genius at the Slush Puppie Co has now invented this:

Slush Puppie Squeeze Candy: Strawberry Flavour.

So now you can enjoy a Slush Puppy at anytime, without the need to bother with the boring ice component!

BUT if you are lucky enough to experience the miracle of SNOW, and you own a tube of Slush Puppie Squeeze Candy (and thanks @mullies I do) you can make your very own real live Slush Puppie* using the squeeze candy with ice provided by God himself.

Here's the Gobble Monkey guide to making your very own Slush Puppie*

1) Collect a pint glass full of snow from nearest bin top**

2) Squeeze in your official Slush Puppie Squeeze Candy.

3) Mash up with a fork

4) Enjoy!**

Do it quick before the snow turns to evil black sludge!

Slush Puppie Squeeze Candy: Strawberry Flavour, 89p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

*not a real puppy