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Saturday, 23 July 2011

Swizzels Matlow PIG'S MUGS

oh my good lord. what the hell are these?


I thought the Percy Pig rip-off's had reached a new low with Children's Farm here. But jesus, look at these bastards.

Any packet that features the word ‘Loadsa’ TWICE can’t be allowed.

Despite the price and garish appearance, these aren’t some Pound Land rip-off – this is Swizzels Matlow – makers of classic brands like Love Hearts, Double Dip and Refreshers.

They also make the world's most hated sweet - the soap-flavoured Parma Violets. I thought they could go no lower than that - but this, my friends, is worse. I take back everything I said about Children’s Farm. Come back Eric the Elephant. At least they could be bothered to think of some different animals or use some alliteration.



Check out the haunted floating pig heads dotted randomly around the packet –inane grins frozen in rigamortis and staring madly at you with a twisted mixture of cold fear and ecstasy - like there's a gun to their head, forcing them to welcome you with a smile, whereas in reality, they know full well the terrible horrors that lie within.

And what does lie within? Remember that bit at the end of Silence of the Lambs where Hannibal Lector slices off a man's face and wears it as a mask? That's what these sick pigs have done to poor, poor Percy.


Does that even have eyes?

Here's the new line up:


And the name! Pig's Mugs sounds like something from a horrible East End butcher's shop:

‘Roll up roll up get yer Pig’s Mugs ‘ere! Loadsa Pig’s Mug’s for a pound!’

Or worse, like something Ronnie Kray would threaten with a cockney whisper from a dark alley:

‘Oi, Pig Mug, come ‘ere. You been squealing. Now me and the boys are gonna give ya a Pig Mug!’

Why stop at 'Pig's Mugs' Swizzels Matlow? Why not try Hog Mush? What about Oink Features? Snout Pouts? SWINE HEADS?

Or my favourite, just simply 'Pork Faces'. Swissets Mattlow’s Pork Faces. Loadsa them. For a pound.

There's just one problem. Pig's Mugs are DELICIOUS. Chewier AND fruitier than the Percy, they hit you with an intense strawberry flavour that'll have you reaching for your next sweet. Before you know it, the bag's finished, and you'll never go back to Percy again. It's with great regret that I have to award Pig Faces the full 7 out of 7.

Swizzels Matlow's Pork Faces, £1 (Loadsa value)
Gobble Monkey says: 7 out of 7





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3 comments:

  1. Where can I get some? Perfect for giving my nieces and nephews nightmares.

    I love that such abominations taste so good.

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  2. I'm laughing so hard at the name. Pig's Mugs, absolute genius. I bet they spent hours workshopping that one. And they look like Percy Pigs after a horrific acid attack. I want some.

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  3. i've only ever seen them in one newsagent! (Kingly Court, Soho, London)

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