Trip to the shops: Part Three - Kingdom of Sweets / Gobstoppers

In London's trendy "Oxford Street" two new speciality sweet shops have opened, just 200 yards from each other.

First up, Gobble Monkey visited The Kingdom of Sweets. And what a Kingdom it was! Literally three rows of Pick'n'Mix! And like all Kingdoms, they've had their own rug made for the entrance:

I think they have something similar at Buckingham Palace.

Anyway The Kingdom is full of the sort of rich delights you would expect to find in a magical realm of sweets. Where else would you find the delicious-looking "Orange Surprise"?

Want to know what the "surprise" is? Well it's revealed on the back of the packet in brackets:

Normally I love Orange Coloured Cocoa Butter Based Confectionery, but £3.99 this was a bit pricey.
(I was slightly confused by the Kingdom's exchange rate. They were charging 50p for a Wham bar.)

AND WAIT A SECOND - if this was a Kingdom, then where was the Queen, Barbara Windsor? I was beginning to doubt it was a real Kingdom at all. But then I remembered the carpet.

Oxford Street's second sweet shop is just a one minute walk down the road:

Gobstoppers has the same range of Pick'n'Mix and US imported sweets as the Kingdom, but they've also branched out into branded merchandise down in the basement. They haven't quite managed to out-do M&M's World though. (WHAT IS THROUGH THE ORANGE DOOR? no one knows.)

(I don't think they've sold many of those.)

Anyway, after a good look around, I was just about to leave when something caught my eye:

NO.

COULD IT BE?

A PERCY PIG HERE? I was at least 500 yards from the nearest Marks and Spencers. But with no identifying label, I could not be sure if these were Percys, Pig's Mugs, Animal Farm Pig Variants OR SOMETHING ELSE?

I had to buy one, so placed a single 'pig sweet' in one of the paper bags provided and took it to the kindly looking elderly gentleman at the counter. With his wispy grey hair and wizened old face, I theorized he was probably the owner, an eccentric Willy Wonka figure with a secret sweet factory was behind the orange door in the basement.

But when I handed over the paper bag, he looked me as if I had just handed him a chocolate covered dead kitten.

'You can't have just one,' he spat, refusing to place the bag on the weighing machine.

I was slightly taken aback at his pure disgust. But then I remembered - Willy Wonka was a bit evil until the end wasn't he? Surely this was just the sort of test Charlie Bucket had passed so winningly when he returned Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper...

I was sure that, just like Wonka, this crumpled old miser would reveal his true jovial self the moment I had proved myself ready to receive the keys to the shop and a lifetime's supply of Jelly Belly beans.

Or maybe he just thought I was an undercover M&S operative, collating enough evidence to take him to the supreme court of justice.

'Why do you want just one?' he growled.

WELL. The true answer to this question would have taken at least one hour to explain, and by saying it out loud, could have crystallised the last three months of wasting hours writing nonsense about sweets bringing me weeping to my knees in the middle of the shop, ending the Gobble Monkey phenomenon immediately.

So instead I told him I just wanted to see what they tasted like.

Shoving it back in to my hand with a snarl, he didn't charge me a penny.

Had I passed the test? I waited a moment to see if he would lead me through the orange door into a glass elevator where he would handover the entire Gobstoppers franchise, and together, we'd march on the Kingdom of Sweets, dethrone their Queen and combine the shops via a secret tunnel. THEN RULE OXFORD ST SWEET SHOPS WITH A CANDY FIST! We'd have to get a new rug though.

But instead he just sat there looking bored. I had failed, and left the shop knowing I could never ever return. But at least I wasn't a giant blueberry.

Back home, I was able to study the 'Pig Sweet' more closely. Here it is:

See how it's much brighter in colour than a Percy Pig or a Pig's Mug. It's definitely not an Animal Farm either, as it lacks the distinctive jelly snout. And the taste? It's a lot tougher in texture, but this may be due to being left in the open air of Gobstoppers for months. It's fruity flavour matches the intensity of it's colours, but it's hard to tell which fruit, and ultimately it probably ranks as the worst Percy Imitation so far.

Here's the new line-up:

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Fake Percy No.4, Gobstoppers, free
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

PART TWO here

A Trip to the Shops: Part Two - M&M's World

One of my least favourite shops in London's "trendy" West End is M&M's world.

Whoever built M&M's World seems to have forgotten that m&m's are just chocolate. They are not an internationally loved figure like, say, Mickey Mouse or Mr Blobby. There's no Jaffa Cake World or Rowntree's Randoms World. But someone somewhere thought that M&M's were deserving of a garish FOUR FLOOR 'theme world' filled with men dressed as giant m&m's, an m&m recreation of the cover of Abbey Road and a life-size London bus BEING DRIVEN BY A MASSIVE M&M.

While other 'worlds', like Disney, have actual rides and things, M&M's World is just a massive supermarket designed to flog cheap tat with the letter M written on it. Twice. (Except much actual chocolate, which is pretty much the only thing I want from a shop called M&M's World.)


Anyway, let's have a look around!

Do you like m&m's? Then you've come to the wrong place. Because even if you LOVED m&m's with a passion, and ate them EVERY DAY for breakfast, this hell-hole would still bore the pants off you. For instance, who in their right mind would want this:

or this:

I counted FIVE different types of m&m themed spoons for sale:

Not into spoons? What about chopsticks?

Or maybe give the guys in the office a chuckle with this on Monday morning:

Stuck for a Xmas gift for your grandmother? M&M World has it covered:

No idea what the hell this is:

As you go up to the top floor, you pass these masterpieces:

I was just about to feel them to see if they were real oil paintings, when i saw this.

SORRY I FORGOT I WAS IN A MUSEUM.

While I was in the shop, a teenage girl picked this item up, and genuinely said to her father "It's only ten pounds."

I don't even know what it does. I think it's just an ornament...

Anyway, what if you're a bit of an m&m fan, but you're a damn cool dude and want something a little more subtle? Yeah, sure, you love m&m's, but maybe you don't want to shout about it?
Well, M&M's world has this for you:

Downstairs, you can watch actors pretending to work in some sort of silver m+m laboratory, where laughing m&m 'technicians' pour m&m's into bottles. Some how I doubt it is an accurate representation of what an actual m+m factory really looks like. Outside "The Mix Lab" there's a sort of weird m&m version of Tiffany's, showcasing treasures kept in high security glass cases, such as this, for the classy lady in your life:

A snip at £135.99

And look how a keen m&m collector gazes in awe at this rare m&m chess board:

So by now you could be forgiven for forgetting that m+m'S are actually edible confectionery. Well, hidden away in a corner on floor 3, there are some chocolate m&m's to buy! But by then, you will NEVER WANT TO SEE A M&M AGAIN.

P.S. Please can someone build Twix World.

(PART ONE)
(PART THREE)

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A Trip to the Shops: Part One - Cyber Candy

FOR PART TWO: Click here

One of my favourite shops in London's trendy "West End" is Cyber Candy.

They sell imported chocolate bars, sweets and cereals from all over the world. The first time you go in this shop I guarantee your eyes will be unable to understand what they are seeing. It's like going into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory - only these sweets are REAL. 

With everything from crazy variants of popular brands, like the Snickers: Cruncher, to unheard of curiosities, like this "ZAGNUT", in Cyber Candy you'll be like the proverbial kid in a sweet shop. ONLY LITERALLY. (Unless you are an adult)

Let's take a look around! It's a small shop, but they've packed it out to the max. (Sadly the downstairs CEREAL section was closed a few years ago. I don't know why, it was amazing!)


As well as the obligatory Jelly Belly jelly beans, there's unusual sodas like Pepsi: Wild Cherry and Vanilla Coke. Along side the more well known brands like Mike + Ikes, Tootsie Rolls and Hersey's, there's a section for all the mental Japanese sweets, like these worryingly named "CREAM COLLONS" and the unsurprisingly buy-one-get-one-free "MANJA" bar.

Then there's some European nonsense like this:

Over in the North American / Australian section you will find yourself repeating the phrase "WHY DON'T THEY HAVE THESE OVER HERE?!?" quite a lot. Check out these delicious looking Oreo variants.

The American's have managed to ruin their best invention, the Twix, though, with these horrible looking PEANUT BUTTER and COCONUT versions.

Nearby I found this "BAR ONE" bar which claims to actually extend your day by one hour. A bargain at £1.35.

Even more exciting is the "ZERO" - check out the ingredients: Caramel, Peanut and Almond COVERED IN WHITE FUDGE. Then there's the brilliantly named "CHOKITO" containing Chewy Caramel Fudge, Crunchy Balls and LOADS OF CHOCOLATE.

Now, quickly - close your eyes and imagine the best chocolate bar ever invented in your mind - my bet is it would probably be Marshmallow and Caramel covered in Dairy Milk. Bet you wouldn't have named it Pinky though.

This is a much better name:

I've NO idea what this is:

Here's a brown Mars Bar:

Pop-Tarts were sensibly banned in the UK in 1994 for being completely useless. But here at Cyber Candy they have contraband Strawberry Milkshake and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavours:

There are some cereals left over from the cull (now kept safely behind the counter) including Gobble Monkey's no.1 placed cereal of all time, Lucky Charms (no longer for general sale in the UK) and these Reece's Puffs which are guaranteed to stink of peanuts.

One downside, import prices means everything's a tad pricey - a box of Lucky Charms and a white Mars Bar will probably set you back £7 - but even if you don't buy anything, it's a happy place to spend half an hour.

For PART TWO (click here)
For PART THREE click here