Moshi Monsters: Addendum

Remember these Moshi Monster sweets? The ones with the questions on the packet without answers?

I thought they were some sort of existential pathway to another plane of knowledge, designed to make us question our very existence in the universe.

But I was mistaken. Some Gobble Monkey fans* got in touch to tell me the answers are actually on the packets.

I said: "NO YOU ARE STUPID THEY AREN'T I CHECKED CAREFULLY"
They said: "No they definitely are, look under the flaps."
I said: "NONSENSE I TRIED THAT THE FLAPS DON'T LIFT UP"
They said: "Yes they definitely do, I've got a packet here and I'm looking at the answers."
I said: "GET OUT OF MY GARDEN."

OK listen, in my defence, the plastic flap on the packet is stuck down FAST. And, when you finally manage to peel it open, the note that says "Answers under flap" IS UNDER THE FLAP. Look:

What kind of child could ever decipher that cruel, cruel riddle?

Anyway, now we finally have access to the answers, so prepare for your mind to be blown and the secrets of the universe to open up to you like a buttercup on a sunny day. OR to literally laugh your face off at some of the finest jokes ever written. READY?

HERE WE GO:

What's hairy and coughs?
Iggy with a cold!

(We can assume Iggy is some sort of furry animal, possibly that sinister-faced rabbit there)

What do you get if you cross Flumpy with a dozen eggs?
A very hairy omelette!

(We can assume Flumpy is some sort of furry animal - quite likely that smug-faced rabbit there.)

What does Waldo eat for dinner?
Micro-Chips!

(We can assume Waldo is some sort of evil robot.)

So the answers to life, the universe and everything are as follows: Iggy with a cold, a VERY hairy omlette and micro-chips. Feel enlightened?

Sadly Moshi Monsters are NOT some sort hippy candy trying to mind-wash the innocent brains of small children. THEY WERE JUST BORING ASSORTED FRUIT FLAVOURED GUMS AFTER ALL.
Hope that clears that up. 

*may or may not have been fans.

Moshi Monsters

what the hell is a Moshi Monster? Am I supposed to know? They look stupid.

One is obviously a panda, that one with the sunglasses is a bird I think, and then there's the crazy purple star thing. In what world would those three hang out together? Maybe the bird and the panda would be friends but definitely not that purple star thing. He looks mental.

Now, check out these 'Monster Jokes' on the back of the packet.

"What's hairy and coughs?"

That could be anything.

"What do you get if you cross Flumpy with a dozen eggs?"

A Flumpy omelette?

What sort of a joke is that anyway? Who is Flumpy? Why is he being crossed with eggs - and why a specific number of eggs?

Then there's this one:

"What does Waldo eat for dinner?"

Even if I knew what Waldo was, I cannot fathom an answer to that joke which would be at all funny or make any sense whatsoever.

Let me tell you, the answer to these jokes are NOWHERE on the packet. I looked everywhere.
I was even forced to visit the Moshi Monsters website to search for them but they ARE NOT THERE EITHER.

But then I realised...

Perhaps they are not really jokes at all, but existential questions designed to make children question the world beyond their limited brains. The answers are not available anywhere because there are no answers, except the truth you find within yourself.

It becomes clearer when you look at the sweets themselves: 

Stare at that for a minute and then tell me the layers of your brain aren't peeling off like an existential onion.

Now look at this little fellow:

Does he look like a monster to you? No he is a jolly gingerbread man isn't he.  OR IS HE? Maybe he is laughing at your face. Does he know what Waldo has for dinner? Maybe he IS Waldo?

I was wrong about Moshi Monsters - they are not stupid, they are the opposite. They've made me question every single thing I thought I knew about the universe.

My only option was to gobble them all up before my brain exploded. (they all tasted really nice by the way.)

Moshi Monsters, 50p, from Bazooka Candy.
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

EDIT: new information has come to light since writing this post.
See:  Moshi Monsters: Addendum