Halloween Round-Up: Part One

Halloween is like Christmas for sweet fans.

Actually no it is much better than Christmas. And Easter. It's the one remaining Pagan festival that so far hasn't been usurped by chocolate peddling Vicars. Yes, they say, please help yourself to an Easter egg or a badly moulded Advent Calender chocolate snowman, BUT you must constantly think about the Bible/a prancing lamb/Tiny Tim while doing so. Halloween is purely based on a) scaring people into giving you sweets and then b) eating all of them.

And the mascots of Halloween - vampires, mummies, serial killers, the ghostbusters - are far more exciting than rabbits/Jesus/eggs (Easter) and a tree/Jesus/cardigans (Christmas).

AH BUT GOBBLE MONKEY, JESUS IS KIND AND SANTA BRINGS US PRESENTS, THEY ARE BETTER THAN GHOSTS AND ZOMBIES I hear you cry.

Well think about this Xmas/Easter idiots: what is Santa if not a ever-living ruddy-faced old man who creeps into people's houses late at night while laughing 'ho ho ho' sinisterly? And Jesus, who is still here after dying 2000 years ago, must technically be either a ghost or a zombie. So chew on that Xmas/Easter lovers.

And while you're at it, chew on these too:

HARIBO SPOOKY GHOSTS:

Last week, although I pretended I wasn't, I was terrrified by this egg. What will happen when faced with a actual (glucose-syrup based) 'Spooky' Ghost? (Does the word 'ghosts' really need the prefix 'spooky'? Can you have an unspooky ghost? I think it's implicit in the notion of ghosts. By their very nature, all ghosts are spooky.)

Anyway, these are a mixture of black, orange and white jellies - they are nicest in this order:

1.White
2.Black
3.Orange.

That's not me being racist. I just don't like the orange ones as much.

And since when has there ever been an orange ghost anyway? I've seen a white ghost*, I've seen a black ghost* - but no one has ever seen an orange ghost. Check out the orange ghost on the packet.  Look at his kind little face. He must rank as the least scary ghost I have ever seen. Maybe I was wrong about there being no such thing as an unspooky ghost.

Now look at Gold Bear's face - does he look scared? No, if anything, it's that white ghost who looks terrified, like he's desperately trying to escape Gold Bear's sticky paws. But wouldn't you be scared out of your wits if a gigantic insanely grinning yellow bear was about to sit on you?

Maybe Gold Bear has just slipped on a Tangfastic and is toppling (happily) on top of the ghost, awaiting his fall to be cushioned by the soft masrshmallowy ectoplasm. Well, the joke will be on Gold Bear when he falls straight through the ghost and onto the floor - hard. Then we will see who is the one smiling insanely. (Probably still the Orange Ghost).

Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 7

SMARTIES PUMPKIN:

Imagine if a pumpkin had Smarties when its seeds should be - now that's genuinally scary.

No one in their right mind would eat a real pumpkin - they are disgusting - so this chocolate pumpkin easily beats its bitter squash rival. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 12

                                                            Put that in your Advent Calender, Santa Claus.

SPOGZ SQUIRTING SKULLS:

OK these are skull-shaped jellies filled with a raspberry flavour 'goo'. (The 'goo' is supposed to be blood, the 'jelly' is bone.) I'm not sure what that massive purple alien monster has to do with anything. There is no other mention of aliens on the packet other than this strange announcement on the back - addressed to ALL humans: 

I, for one, have never EVER said the phrase "wow... yummm... mmmore!" in my life. Firstly, I know how to spell both the word yum and more with the right number of Ms. Secondly, I'm presuming these aliens have come to earth to squeeze our skulls until the blood comes out of them, so it's nice of them to set up a customer complaints PO BOX in Blackpool first. That is the first thing any self-respecting alien invasion does before they start skull squeezing. I don't trust them, so even though these didn't make me go wow... yummm... mmmore! I won't be writing in. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 9

CLICK FOR PART TWO.

* I haven't
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Rowntrees Sour Faces

GOBBLE MONKEY LOVES SOUR SWEETS.  That familiar, almost painful, tingle that stabs the back of your jaw when you chew on a Tangfastic Sour Cherry is a small pleasure akin to licking a battery.

If you like sour sweets too, things have been simplified for you. Just choose your favourite of the following three things:

                                                                                     FACES
                                                                                MONSTERS
                                                                                   DRINKS

(which are the basic choices you can apply to most things in life really.)

Before you rush into a decision, here's the lowdown:

FACES:

Rowntrees have followed up their non-random 'Randoms' with these even less random 'Sour Faces' - jellied eyes, mustaches, noses, glasses and lips for people who like eating faces.

They just get away with mustaches and glasses, but i would question whether a bow-tie really counts as being part of a 'face'. Therefore I would rename Rowntrees Sour Faces as 'Sour Faces with Additional Sour Face & Neck Accessories.'

Anyway, there is some fun to be had with making the faces of various sour faced celebrities from the sour face parts and sour face/neck accessories.

                                                                                QUITE SOUR

                                                                       SOUR AS A LEMON

                                                                             VERY SOUR

(I cheated with that last one and used part of a cola bottle.)

MONSTERS:

Check out this open letter from the Haribo Head Office on the back of the packet of their 'Super Sour Monsters'.

They make it sound like 'GoldBear' is a mentally deranged loose cannon, allowed to wander freely round the Haribo factory, randomly making potentially fatal decisions over the sweet recipes.


"Hey, what's GoldBear doing over by the Tangfastics with his pants down?"
"Oh ha ha don't worry that's just Goldbear being a little bit naughty again!"

DRINKS:

Look at the (horrible) drawing of the sour cola bottle on the Fruit-tella 'Sour Drinks' packet. He's been driven INSANE by how incredibly sour he is, biting off his own tongue just to stop the sheer sourness of his very being.

These must be REALLY sour, right?

To find out I carried out the Gobble Monkey Sour Tongue Time Test. How long could each sour sweet remain on the tongue before it became too painful?

After the 'Children's Farm' fiasco, this is another huge embarrassment for Fruit-tella. They could get done under the trade descriptions act for this. I demand the word 'sour' is dropped from all future packaging, leaving them just called 'Drinks'. (Which will teach Fruit-tella for coming up with such lame unimaginative names for their products.)

'Sour' Drinks are the least sour things you will ever eat. (Unless you soak them in vinegar for an hour before eating. Then they are SLIGHTLY sour. Maybe that is what you are supposed to do.)

Ultimately, Faces may be slightly more sour than Monsters, but the latter's depth of flavour and superior chewiness gives them the edge.

Rowntrees Sour Faces, £2.49

Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

Haribo Super Sour Monsters, £1

Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

Fruit-tella Sour Drinks, £1.99

Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7

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HARIBO: Tangfastics

Sour sweets are all the rage these days, but Haribo's Tangfastics have always been the Sultans of the Sour Kingdom.

SIDE NOTE: I do not understand the name 'tangfastic' - OK they are tangy and they are fantastic, but surely that would make them 'tangTASTIC'?
(by the way if you enjoy Tangfastics then don't ever look up the definition of the word on Urban Dictionary.com)


So here are the classic Tangfastics:

Best are the Sour Cherries, followed by the Crocodiles, whose soft foam backs offset their sour jelly topping perfectly. (Sometimes there is also a very small Gummy Bear, but not today)

BUT NOW the German masterminds at Haribo have introduced a new LIMITED EDITION extra sweet into the Tangfastic family - The Rhubarb and Custard Splat.

Look how excited the Tangfastic gang are about welcoming the new edition. So thrilled is the Haribo bear, he cannot even bring himself to look at it. The Sour Cherries are grinning wildly. One Cola Bottle is trying it on already with a cheeky wink, while the other is wetting himself with anticipation. The Key/Dummy, who has even donned a bow tie for the prestigious occasion, is throwing his hands up in sheer jubilation. Only the Crocodile is able to contain himself, looking on with a gaze of muted adoration.

I must admit if I was a Haribo Tangfastic I would join them in their celebration. The Rhubarb and Custard Splat is a triumph. The intense flavour hits you straight away and will linger long after you've swallowed the remains of its gummy goodness - very much like a chewy, acidic version of the classic Rhubarb and Custard hard boiled sweets from giant plastic tubs in the newsagents of old. They're not the sourest of the Tangfastics - that honour remains with the Sour Cherry - but I would be so bold as to suggest it takes their crown as the Best Tangfastic.

The only drawback was that there was just ONE Rhubarb and Custard Splat in my packet. Madness.

Haribo Tangfastics inc. Limited Edition Rhubarb and Custard Splat, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7
Sour Rating: Medium/High