Galaxy Flutes

What do you do if you're on a diet but you still want to constantly eat chocolate?

a) eat an apple
b) pour yourself some Diet Coke, put on Sex and The City and think about buttercups for a bit
OR
c) eat some 'health chocolate'

Most chocolate companies have a lighter product for their more "discerning customer" - eg Mars Delight, KitKat Senses and - i can barely bring myself to write it - the Twix Fino.

Basically, making chocolate healthy entails shoving some wafer in it and giving it a poncy name.

So here's the latest Galaxy health chocolate:

Flute, because flutes are light and floaty you see. Whereas a trombone is big and heavy. Galaxy Trombones would not work. Neither would Galaxy Extra Fat Oboe.

(Note the thin lower case font used to write flutes - they couldn't have made those letters any thinner could they? This is what you will look like if you eat Galaxy flutes.)

Here's what Galaxy say about the Flutes (sorry flutes):

“Galaxy Flutes perfectly encapsulate the indulgence and pleasure which have become synonymous with the Galaxy brand and are a perfect treat for a luxurious snack for discerning chocolate lovers.

Consumers will love the benefit of a combination of textures with the mix of wafer and cream providing an ideal afternoon snacking moment."

Hmmmm that sounds like the very definition of delicious doesn't it! (If you asked a robot to define delicious).

How could these possibly be low fat?! Look at all the nice words they use:

indulgence
pleasure
perfect
treat
luxurious
discerning
ideal afternoon snacking moment

These are going to be amazing right? Do you want to have a look? You do?

OK PREPARE YOUR EYES....
.
.
.
READY TO LOOK AT AN INDULGENT PERFECT PLEASURE TREAT?
.
.
.
GO!

Remember ladies, you may ONLY eat these in the afternoon

You see by "discerning chocolate lovers", what Galaxy really mean is desperate chocolate lovers.

My advice, just eat a twix then go for a walk afterwards.

Or try my new invention - it's called Dairy Milk Pan Pipe, and it's basically a chocolate covered piece of raw asparagus. Only 3 calories.

(As for me, I'm going to be buying all my Galaxy Flutes from this guy - 24 for £2.39!! That's less than 10p a bar! Still in date! Perfect for Halloween! And he's got a nice beard.)



Galaxy Flutes, 50p 
Gobble Monkey says 5 out of 7

Galaxy Gift For You

Confectionery companies have begun to capitalise more aggressively on holidays in recent years. Before we just had a chocolate egg in a mug, or a cheap selection box featuring too many Bountys - these days, every Easter the shelves are stocked high with Malteaster Bunnys and Aero Lambs, and come December, Christmas stockings are stuffed with Aero Mint Xmas Trees and Lindt Reindeers...

But now, Galaxy have taken the logical step and bypassed all that with a chocolate product suitable for ANY occasion - the Galaxy Gift For You:




A Gift for ME? Oh Galaxy! You shouldn't have! THANK YOU.

BUT NO - this isn't for me. It's for YOU.

Galaxy have basically hijacked YOUR birthday / wedding anniversary / Yom Kippur.

Now ANY celebration, any celebration AT ALL, must be commemorated with the giving and receiving of a Galaxy Gift For You. NO other presents are required. Some people (NOT GOBBLE MONKEY) might find it offensive that Galaxy believe that a single Gift For You should be a compulsory gift to be given to a new mother on the day of the birth of her first child or presented to a visiting Sultan.

Never mind that the Galaxy Gift For You is actually technically NOT a present, it's merely a chocolate representation of a present. I for one never liked bows on presents anyway. Any bow would go straight in the bin. That's the problem with Galaxy Gift For You - the whole thing is the packaging - okay, it's packaging made of chocolate - but still, it's completely unwrappable, with nothing inside it save a bit of squishy caramel where a lovely wooden toy or a cardigan should be. Imagine a present you can never unwrap - that's the definition of cruelty. (I tried to unwrap it and I got really sticky fingers.)

Plus only HALF this lovely present is filled with caramel. I've no idea why. Obviously whoever gives this to you likes you, but not enough to give you the full quota of caramel. Maybe the full caramel gift is reserved only for Sultans.

  

But HOLD ON - check out what Bep Dhaliwal, Mars trade communications manager has to say about Galaxy Gift for You:

“Self-eat products have grown increasingly popular with consumers and they love treating themselves to something new from their favourite brands...Galaxy Gift for You is sure to be a success"

SELF-EAT? Treating MYSELF??? So this is actually supposed to be a gift for ME from ME? And I still don't get the full caramel version!? How is it a 'Gift For Me' if I'm the one paying 65p for it? Well listen Galaxy, if I have to buy myself a chocolate-based present, it's going to be a Twix.

No, make that a King-Size Twix. I deserve it.

(Galaxy Gift For You is however very tasty, and for future reference I would gladly receive this as a supplementary present for all my future birthdays/Christian festivals.)

Galaxy Gift For You, 65p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7