Curiously Strawberry

Quick, what is the one thing you are most curious about in the whole world?

Decided?

Was it a strawberry?

No?

Oh.

Well look at this and tell me you're not the least bit curious about it:

Hmmmmmmmmm? Just look at their insane grinning faces and massive tongues! Now are you curious? Mental.

Now when I was a young monkey, I liked to eat a cereal called Cinnamon Toast Crunch - it was one of my favourites (I've often petitioned for cinnamon to take it's rightful place on the dinner table next to salt and pepper - a pudding condiment if you will).

But sadly Cinnamon Toast Crunch disappeared and eventually reappeared as 'Cinnamon Grahams' - the second worst cereal name of all time. (Named after their non-cinnamon flavoured cousins Golden Grahams.)

Having vowed NEVER to eat a cereal called Graham, I didn't buy them. But then Cinnamon Grahams were rebranded as Curiously Cinnamon a few years ago - the worst cereal name of all time.

I can only imagine that the marketing department at Nestle must have had a competition in the office to see if anyone could one up with a WORSE name than Cinnamon Grahams, and Janet from accounts came up with Curiously Cinnamon.

(The name doesn't even make grammatical sense, meaning I've been forced to call them "Cinna-meanies" - it's not perfect but it's easier for everyone involved.)

Also Janet must be the only person in the world to be curious about cinnamon. What's curious about cinnamon Janet? Hmm? I mean I like cinnamon, but only an idiot would be curious about it, it's really not that interesting.

There are at leasr five other cereal flavours I would be more curious about:

1) Curiously Coffee*
2) Curiously Liquorice*
3) Curiously slow roasted tomato, basil and parmesan quiche*
4) Curiously Uncurious*
5) Curiously Beef*

HOWEVER I am slightly curious about these new strawberry* variants, even if the name now makes even less grammatical sense. They've even had to put a little asterix to explain the word strawberry, just in case you thought the box didn't contain cereal, but actually a massive curious strawberry.

See, their full title is actually Curiously Strawberry Flavour - but that name (suggested by Janet) was obviously deemed a step too far to put on the packet.

OK so here's a naked Curiously Strawberry*:

Slightly disappointed about the lack of an insane face and massive tongue, but never mind, the real test of a new cereal is whether they taste nice 'raw' - sans milk - and I'm am pleased to say Curiously Strawberry* do. They have an intensely sweet strawberry* flavour.

Now here's a bowl of Curiously Strawberry* dans milk:

Are they nice? Well it's a bit like eating cornflakes with strawberry milkshake instead of normal milk. Which can only be a good thing.

CURIOSITY SATISFIED.

Curiously Strawberry, Nestle, approx £3
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7

*flavour

The Great American Cereal Book

Check out this book I got:

Yeah that's right, a 368 page hardback book all about cereal. That's the kind of book I like reading OK? Cereal is good - as Jerry Seinfeld said, what could be better than eating and drinking at the same time with one hand without looking?

There's even a full range of Gobble Monkey cereals.

But American cereals are mental.

While here in the UK we have terminally dull cereals called things like "Start", (I call it Stop) and "Special K" (Nothing special about it and it doesn't begin with K), in America they just put doughnuts in a bowl with milk and eat them for breakfast:

Note the free torch. Anyway I suppose they make some sort of vague sense - unlike these:

I cant imagine the guys at Kelloggs okaying those. Cereal that grows in a tree? And just look at the slogan:

"We are the Freakies. Oh we are the Freakies. And this is our Freakies tree. We never miss a meal, 'cause we love our cereal."

Now I know it was the Seventies, but in what universe is that a good slogan? It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't make sense and it mentions trees.

And these are apparently based on people Freakies creator "Jackie End" knew - including HamHose, Snorkeldorf and Grumble. The guys down at Wells Rich Greene must have loved Jackie End mustn't they? I bet they loved marketing his tree-based cereal. That's probably why they made up that rubbish slogan.

But the most freaky thing about Freakies is that the actual cereal doesn't look freaky at all, it's just little round hoops, no freakier than a Cheerio. Maybe that was Jackie End's masterstroke - you look at the box, you read the slogan, and just when you thought things couldn't get anymore freaky - they didn't.

But hey, what about if you love cereal - BUT HATE SPOONS? Then just get some 'Fingos':

"The cereal you eat with your fingers" - isn't that just crisps?

Anyway, here's Boo Berry - he's some sort of effeminately dressed blue ghost. That's normal. Now look at his face. He looks like he's about to throw up all over you doesn't he? Maybe he's eaten too many bowls of Boo Berry. How many bowls is too many? I reckon about one. (No prizes for guessing what colour his vomit will be.)

I would like to get hold of that hat though. But hold on, Boo Berry's got a friend - he's called FrankenBerry.

Don't worry about what FrankenBerry is or that his name makes no sense. He's just some sort of re-animated dead strawberry with metal eyes and a clock attached to his bum-shaped head, OK? It's not important. Just stop thinking about it.

Not all American cereal is good though. Almond "Delight" was so disgusting they had to give away free money to get people to buy it:

Now quickly close your eyes and imagine the craziest cow you can think of. Ready? Now look at this:

That's right - he's wearing a pink hat. Was the crazy cow you imagined wearing a pink hat? I bet he wasn't. And look - Crazy Cow cereal turns the milk STRAWBERRYEY! Suck on that Coco Monkey.

The Great American Cereal Book by Martin Gitlin and Topher Ellis. £11.19, available from amazon
Gobble Monkey says: seven out of seven

Gobble Monkey reviews French cereal here.

Gobble Monkey's least favourite cereal mascots here

Nestle Cereal Mix

I wonder if Dr Kellogg could have imagined what the French would one day do to his beloved invention - the cereal flake.

Look at these - 'Nestle Mix' - a kind gift from France, home of the world's finest cuisine.

I cannot translate the name, but they would seem to be the French equivalent of our own 'Kelloggs Variety' - six mini-boxes of classic cereals each providing just enough for one bowl. The difference is, instead of the obligatory 'Rice Krispies' which would always be left 'til last in favour of the Coco-Pops, ALL the cereals in Nestle Mix are chocolate themed - there's not a dull selection among them.

A boring English man, used to compensating any tiny morsel of rich food with copious amounts of blandness, would baulk at the prospect of six chocolate flavoured cereals. 'Please sir, may I have some dry Wheat Biscuits?' he would say. So in the spirit of William the Conqueror, I will now attempt to eat all six in one sitting.

VIVE LA FRANCE!

BOWL ONE: Nesquik

These tough little chocolately balls are, of course, also available in the UK. I've never had them before, but as the simple-faced rabbit says: "Nouveau encore plus Chocolat" which translates as 'Looks and tastes a bit like my own droppings'. Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of seven.

BOWL TWO: Cookie Crisp

I've always avoided these when I've seen them in Tescos. At their most basic level, they are just biscuits in milk, or as the French say: "cereales au gout de biscuit avec des pepites saveur chocolat" - cereals that taste of biscuit with chocolate nuggets.

Quite tasty, but I in no way acknowledge this as a real cereal. You might as well put a Jaffa cake in a bowl of milk and call it CHOCO-ORANGE SPONGE FLAKES. Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of seven.

BOWL THREE: Crunch

Getting a bit sick of chocolate now. These are like little chocolate armadillos or hard shelled chocolate beetles. So tough, they're almost painful to eat, and bear little resemblance to their chocolate bar namesake. I imagine this is what it's like eating bark. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of seven.

BOWL FOUR: Chocapic

Chocapic's slogan is: "C'est Fort En Choclat!" (It is strong in Chocolate!) spoken by a crazed dog brandishing a spoon. He may look like he's been driven completely insane be rabies, but that dog is not wrong - these chocolate flavoured toe nail clippings are rock hard with an extreme bitter chocolate taste. It's too much. Who started eating chocolate for breakfast anyway? I bet it was the French. Oh they j'adore their chocolat so much don't they? Who else would take something as plain and simple as bread and then stick chocolate in it and eat it for breakfast? Well they can take their Nestle Mix and shove it up their bums. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7.

BOWL FIVE: Lion.

While the rest of the world rightly stopped even considering Lion bars as a viable chocolate bar in the mid-Nineties, the French have chosen to turn them into a cereal. AND THEY WERE RIGHT TO DO SO.

We know there is already Twix-Mix, but in the future ALL chocolate bars will be turned into cereals. In fact, you don't even need to wait until the future, just tip a packet of KitKat Pop-Chocs or Malteasers into a bowl of milk - instant chocolate cereal. TRY THAT ON FOR SIZE MONSIEUR DU LAIT.

Anyway, Cereales Lion mixes caramel flavoured flakes with chocolate flavoured flakes - and it is fantastic. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of seven.

BOWL SIX: Chokella

Look at these - Chokella (translation: 'Chokella') - you can't get these in the so-called UK can you, you bowler-hat-wearing fish-and-chip eating fool? NO AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS. The slogan says it all: "MMMMM" which is the same when translated into English. I think it is the best slogan ever for anything - how could anyone resist MMMMM? Forget the smug-faced French child flying on a shiny paddle (LOOK CLOSELY IT IS A PADDLE) he is irrelevant. Instead concentrate on the toast shaped chocolate cereals. DO NOT PANIC they are not as nut-tasting as "cereales avec du ble complt gout CHOCO-NOISETTE" suggests. In fact, these are soft and dusty and among the greatest chocolate cereals ever made.

AND I LOVE CHOCOLATE CEREALS. AND THE FRENCH.

Gobble Monkey says: 7 out of seven.

BOWL SEVEN:

I MIXED THEM ALL TOGETHER MMMMM THE ULTIMATE CHOCOLATE CEREAL IT GETS 1 MILLIONS OUT OF SEVEN.

AU REVOIR DE LA SINGE GOBER MON PETIT FANS DE BONBONS!

GOBBLE MONKEY CEREAL WINNERS!

The moment has arrived. Two weeks ago, Gobble Monkey offered up a bag of PIG'S MUGS to whoever could design the best Gobble Monkey themed cereal, and now, we can exclusively reveal the winners:

SEVENTH PLACE: Plum Bombs by Quilliam Brothers

SLOGAN: "BOOM! Crunchy Shell, Fruity Core, TASTE EXPLOSION!"
This bizarre plum-based cereal obviously floated into the mind of a genius in a dream, and upon wakening, they grabbed a pen and scribbled down the concept on the first thing they could find before  they forgot it. And thank God they did. Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

SIXTH PLACE: NATURE-O'S (Apple) by Charlotte Hope

SLOGAN: "Totally Organic"
The mascot here seems to be a talking tree growing out of a cereal bowl. If a tree could talk, would anyone bother listening to it if all it said was "totally organic"? There are little clues as to the nature of Nature-o's here, so I don't know if they would be nice or not. BUT I WOULD NEVER EAT AN APPLE FLAVOURED CEREAL ORGANIC OR OTHERWISE.
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

FIFTH PLACE: Go Bananas! by @Mullies

SLOGAN: "The fruity brekkie treat kids will love to eat!"
Look at the size of that bowl! And yet it only contains four bits of cereal. And what is Gobble Monkey holding? A banana or a Go Bananas? Or a knife. We will never know. Sadly, the logistics of making banana shaped cereal means that we will probably never see Go Bananas in the supermarket. But at least they, unlike Coco Pops, apologise for the side effect of turning the milk bananay. Even though, sometimes, I have banana milkshake on my cereal instead of milk. It is true! Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

FOURTH PLACE: Gobble-Os by Laura Bassett

SLOGAN: "Make Milk Nice"
Lovely minimalist design work here from Laura. Is she making a complex comment on the creationism vs evolution debate? Or does she believe Gobble Monkey has died and gone to heaven, content to sit in the empty wilderness of the afterlife with only a banana (or two) for company?
We will never know.

Laura says: "they could also be called Multigrain Gobble-oops, Gobble the Goodness, Gobblers Crunchy-gobble-able Boulders or Choco-Gobblers" all of which sound confusingly delicious. And if Gobble Monkey was an angel, his halo would DEFINITELY be a chocolate flavoured cereal hoop. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

THIRD PLACE: Gobble Charms by Florence Parrack

SLOGAN: "Nothing but marshmallows!"
Florence says: "while I was making this I found out you can buy big bags of just Lucky Charms marshmallows" which I will DEFINITELY be seeking out and eating for breakfast EVERY SINGLE DAY. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

SECOND PLACE: Monkey Nuts by @lizimina

SLOGAN: "Delicious banana flavour crispy cereal shells with a chocolate centre"
These actually sound and look better than 90% of real cereals on the market. If the mark of a good cereal is whether you can eat them 'raw' (sans milk), then these would DEFINITELY pass the test. Plus, they "do not contain nuts" so are safe for Gobble Monkey to eat. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

FIRST PLACE! Twix Mix by @wlnesfield

SLOGAN: "Get YOUR daily fix!"
Amazing. Imagine what you'd look like if you really did get YOUR daily fix of Twix Mix everyday. It doesn't bear thinking about. Does anyone drink tea and eat cereal at the same time though? Probably the same kind of mentalist that would eat Twix and milk for breakfast.

Brilliant work though (I especially like the cunning use of the upside down 'W'), and now all I have to do is persuade Mars Inc to relinquish the copyright so we can go into production. @wlnesfield has even correctly anticipated the the GM review of Twix Mix on the side of the box, and has won himself a packet of Pig's Mugs. Gobble Monkey says: 7 out of 7

COMPETITION!

How would you - YES YOU - like to WIN a fresh, unopened, well-within-sell-by-date packet of
 PIG'S MUGS? (The only sweet to ever receive the full 7 out 7 Gobble Monkey star rating.)

You would? Well, all you have to do is imagine how a GOBBLE MONKEY cereal box would look. What would they be called? Who would the mascot be? What would his slogan say? A bit like this:

But obviously a lot better. (or worse, it's up to you.) You can do anything you want but if you would like to use the templates below, please be my guest. Best entry will win the now highly sought after Swizzles Matlow gelatine-heavy Pork Faces (above)

RULES:
1) Gobble Monkey is a family website, so no smut please.
2) Closing date is 3rd Sept 2011
3) You don't have to use the box, you don't have to use the monkey. You can do anything you want.
4) No other rules

You can email your entries to chiltonrocks@googlemail.com

upload them to facebook at: www.facebook.com/gobblemonkey

or attempt to tweet them to: twitter/gobblemonkey

Winning entries will be displayed here. Unless no one enters.

GOOD LUCK!

COMPETITION CLOSED! To see the winners, click HERE

All Time Top Six Worst Cereal Characters

6) CAPTAIN RIK

Um, how exactly did Captain Rik rise to the rank of Captain without being able to spell his own name right? Do NASA even allow children into space these days? Especially obviously communist ones.

The best era for Ricicles was the early Nineties when they put dried marshmallows in them. I still vividly remember the then-Children's BBC presenter Andi Peters launching an ill-thought out campaign to have them removed, brain-washing mailable children to sigh his stupid petition. Why was Andi Peters even eating Ricicles anyway, they were clearly for kids. Shortly afterwards, the only remaining marshmallow cereal, Lucky Charms, were taken off the shelves. I don't have enough evidence to pin that on Andi Peters yet, so I've had to drop my investigation. FOR THE TIME BEING.

5) LOOPY THE BEE

These round versions of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are NOBODY'S favourite cereal. Honey Nut Loops seem to be made exclusively for the 0.002% of the population that prefer 'loops' to flakes. I've never actually ever met anyone who's actually eaten them.

Look closely at "Loopy" the "bee" (here dressed a superhero for no reason). He looks more like a wasp doesn't he? No wonder no one buys these. 

3) COCO MONKEY

Apart from the notion of a chocolate obsessed monkey being completely ridiculous, Coco Monkey constantly spouts rubbish. (usually in rhyme)

His catchphrase - "I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops" - is nonsense. Rather than what? A bowl of Rice Krispies? Well, anyone would.

And his follow-up boast "TURNS THE MILK CHOCOLATEY" is just Kelloggs trying to claim that the colouring dissolving off their cereal is a unique selling point, rather than a lame side-effect of their substandard product. HMMMM a bowl of soggy Rice Krispies and some weak-flavoured chocolate milk. Delicious. Just what Coco Monkey didn't want in the first place.

3) KLONDIKE PETE

Klondike Pete is a prospector desperately mining for Golden Nuggets with 'Pardner', his pet mule.

NEWSFLASH. You can buy them in most large supermarket chains. Maybe Klondike Pete only has a Sainsbury's Local in his area.

Pete's catchphrase is "They Taste Yeee Haaa!" which is useful as  yeee haaa is my favourite of all flavours.

2) SNAP, CRACKLE & POP

Is Snap supposed to be a chef? And Pop is a soldier right? So what the hell is Crackle? A Stoke fan?

In other territories, where these noises don't exist, they have other names:

Belgium - Pif! Paf! Pof!
Finland - Riks! Raks! Poks!
France - Cric! Crac! Croc!
Germany - Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!
South Africa - Knap! Knaetter! Knak!
Mexico - Pim! Pum! Pam!


I have never had a bowl of Rice Krispies that went 'Snap!' anyway. He should be replaced with 'Knak!' with immediate effect. The other two can stay. FOR THE TIME BEING.

1) PROFESSOR WEETO

"Quick, we need a character for our new Weetos cereal.. they've done tigers, bees, a monkey, prospectors. What's left?"

"Got it - a balding old scientist."

"What?"

"Wait - his glasses are made of giant Weetos."

"Done."

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