Ice Cream Chocolates

Remember when they made all those ice-creams based on your favourite chocolate bars? EG Twix Ice cream, Mars Ice Cream - even your least favourite ones, EG Bounty?

Well what about if they made all your favourite ice creams into CHOCOLATE*? (Yes that's right I said chocolate)

What's that you say? That would be completely pointless? What would be the point in that? I mean, for God's sake, why would I want a pointless tiny warm Cornetto?

Well, mes petits fans de singe - if you like eating a normal-sized cold Corneto, why wouldn't you like eating a small warm one? HMMM? Maybe it's YOU who is the fool.  Making ice creams into chocolate bars is a good idea - it means you can eat your favourite ice creams in a non-ice cream situation - EG on a cold day, upside down, in a bed.

Also on the plus side, with these smaller versions of your fave ice-cream treats, it's easy to pretend you are a giant. (Or at least an unusually large human.)

OK so let's test the new Cornetto, Magnum and Mini-Milk CHOCOLATES (yes that's right I said chocolates). The Cornetto chocolate tastes a lot like a normal Cornetto. The cone and nut / chocolate topping tastes identical to it's frosty cousin, but the ice cream itself has been replaced by a nice vanilla filling:

The Magnum chocolate tastes a lot like a Magnum ice cream except the ice cream again has been replaced by a nice vanilla filling:

The Mini Milk chocolate tastes nothing like Mini Milk ice cream but it is quite nice. (NO VANILLA FILLING INCLUDED)

So now you can enjoy your favourite ice creams in all seasons / underwater situations. You can even eat them really quickly without fear of brain freeze. It all makes sense.

In fact, I think life would be simpler if everything was a Cornetto.

Everyone likes Cornettos, right? If everything was a Cornetto (EG Medicine, sandwich crusts, dentists) then everything would be a lot less stressful. Making all things the same is good. It makes things easier for our simple brains to understand.

So my idea is: JUST MAKE EVERYTHING A CORNETTO.

Ice Cream Chocolates:

Cornetto Chocolate, 59p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7
BETTER THAN A REAL CORNETTO? Yes probably 

Magnum Chocolate, 65p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7
BETTER THAN A REAL MAGNUM? Hmmm not a white one

Mini-Milk Chocolate, 45p
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7
BETTER THAN A REAL MINI-MILK? No. 

*if your favorite ice cream is a Twix ice-cream, don't worry about this

Cadbury Marvellous Creations

Now, imagine eating a handful of jelly tots quickly followed by a handful of chocolate. That would be a time consuming way of eating a fairly disgusting snack, wouldn't it? Well, Cadbury's best chocolate technicians have managed to cut that time from 5.5 seconds to roughly 2.3 seconds - thereby saving you 3.2 seconds.

It's basic science - they've simply chucked in a load of jelly and smarties into their Dairy Milk and called it "Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy Shells Covered in Delicious Cadbury Dairy Milk".

(Unfortunately they've also chucked in some popping candy. Note to Cadbury: NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF SEVEN LIKES POPPING CANDY.)

I like the name "Marvellous Creations" though. It's very modest. I'm thinking of renaming this blog "Really Good Gobble Monkey" or "Excellent Sweet Blog". Anyway, in case you were thinking it's a bit rich of Cadbury to decide themselves how "marvellous" their product is, STOP PANICKING.

On the back of the packet, Cadbury explain they have something called a "Joy-o-meter" at their headquarters that measures the "levels of marvellousness" of their chocolate. The exact specifications of this Joy-O-Meter are NOT explained, but I think we should trust them. It's not like it sounds made up or anything.

After all, they named it after the location of their HQ, which Cadbury claim is based somewhere called "Joyville", see?

Joyville sounds brilliant, doesn't it? I bet it's just like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Oh yeah, close your eyes and picture the chocolate rivers and orange dwarf slaves! Here's a picture of Joyville from the Cadbury marketing campaign:

Joyville

Sadly, I looked it up and in reality, Cadbury's head office is Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge. Here's Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge:

Uxbridge Business Park, Uxbridge

WHERE ARE THE CHOCOLATE RIVERS?! 

But listen, if Cadbury's were honest about their HQ, then they'd have to rename their Joy-o-Meter "Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter" which would be confusing for everybody.

So best not worry about it. ANYWAY, squares are boring, right? Straight lines are for losers, we all know that. Why not get rid of all square shaped things and replace them with random shapes? That would be more fun, wouldn't it? NO BECAUSE HOUSES WOULD FALL DOWN.

Well, putting jelly into chocolate wasn't quite mental enough for Cadbury, so they went even further and made the chocolate 'squares' in Marvellous Creations all squiggly. What have they been putting in the tea at Uxbridge Business Park, eh?! Those guys are cray-zee.

BONKERS

The 'squares' have different textures on them too - one's a bit wavy, one looks a bit like it's been sitting on grass for too long, one has 'Cadbury' written on it. Don't worry, they all taste the same.

In truth, whisper it, the irregular-shaped pieces are a genius move by Cadbury - fine, the textures make no difference - but the different shapes mean you get a varied amount of jelly/candy shell etc in each piece, ensuring you'll keep going back for more.

Unfortunately, while the jelly pieces make a surprisingly pleasant addition to the chocolate, the popping candy is a step too far and pushes the bar into novelty territory. However,  the other new bar in the Marvellous Creations range, Cookie Nut Crunch, is amazing.

It's probably the most moreish chocolate I've ever eaten in my life - and I don't even like nuts.

It really sends the Uxbridge-Business-Park-O-Meter off the scale. (IF THE SCALE WAS A MARK OUT OF SEVEN AND "OFF" MEANT A SCORE OF SIX)

Marvellous Creations: Jelly Popping Candy, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 3 out of 7

Marvellous Creations: Cookie Nut Crunch, Cadbury, £2.49
Uxbridge-Buisness-Park-O-Meter says: 6 out of 7

Cadbury Egg 'n' Spoon

It's at this time of the year that confectionary companies like to ready their new egg-themed products in preparation for Egg Day, the highlight of their financial calendar.

This time, Cadbury have come up with the clever idea of disposing of out-dated chicken eggs at Easter,  and replacing them with their own version of the egg made entirely out of chocolate:

So Cadbury arrogantly think they can improve on nature by re-designing the egg in their own sick image. I'm sure that one day they'd like to see their "superior" version of the egg replace all existing eggs through-out the entire year, thus giving them a dangerous monopoly on eggs - or "egg monopoly". I know how their minds work.

If left unchecked, they will surely go the whole hog and re-make all foods out of chocolate - eg chocolate ham or a chocolate potato - exactly the sort of nonsenscial idea that sicko Willy Wonka used to come up with. (Honestly why a certifiably insane dandy was left in charge of a chocolate factory where dwarves regularly experiment on small children is beyond me. No wonder he never let anyone in there.)

It's about time we got rid of eggs anyway. For years, we've all known the horrible truth about eggs, what they actually are and where they come from. We know full well the eggs' little secret and we choose to keep on eating them regardless, like Soylent Green.

So let's give Cadbury a chance to prove that their "Egg Two" if you like is better than the egg that Mother Nature invented.

Firstly, Cadbury have provided two free spoons with their eggs. That's something you don't get when you buy one of your 'common egg' eggs, isn't it? You don't even get one spoon with those. It means these are completely portable - you can eat them any time, any place, sans egg cup - eg. in the garden or (my recommendation) before you get to the counter in the supermarket. (The reason there are two spoons is that no human could eat more than two of these incredibly sickly eggs in one sitting. You'll need a friend.)

Secondly, Cadbury's "eggs" come in a cardboard egg box, JUST LIKE NORMAL EGGS.

Except (egg-cept) this egg box is purple. Two nil Cadbury's. (ONE NIL WAS THE FREE SPOONS, KEEP UP)

Also, helpfully, if you're an idiot, there are instructions on the side of the box to help you. You don't get that on the side of a normal egg-box do you? No. they expect you to work it out all by yourself.

So far so good. But look what happens when you 'peel' the egg:

BAM. That doesn't look like an egg does it? It looks like a sort of egg with a nipple hatching out of it. Is that supposed to be Cadbury's big improvement on the design of an egg? Put a nipple on it? Who came up with that idea in the marketing meeting? There's no advantage to the chocolate nipple that I can see. An egg is one of nature's most perfect creations, a seamless box with no corners, at once both fragile and indestructible. The concept has been around literally millions of years, and was working out fine. It really didn't need a nipple on it.

Anyway, what you're meant to do is bite off the nipple, then spoon out the contents into your mouth (utilising the free spoon). It's like eating a boiled egg, right? Except this egg you don't have to bother cooking, plus Cadbury have replaced the yolk with a "fluffy chocolate mousse centre", having deemed normal egg yolk "rubbish".

Then, unlike a proper egg, you can eat the "shell", which solves the thorny problem of having to throw it away. And we all hate throwing away the egg-shell don't we? It's the worst part of the chore of eating an actual egg.

Which egg is best? Making this table was the only way to know for sure: 

So there you have it, egg fans. Happy Egg Day!

Egg, made by a chicken, £1.99 for 6 
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7 

Cadbury Egg 'n' Spoon, Cadbury's, £3.99 for 4
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

P.S. For a bonus game, why not count the number of times the word 'egg' appears in this post? Good luck!

Milka: Oreo

I like chocolate and I like Oreos.

BUT

What if I'm far too lazy to get a packet of Oreos and some chocolate separately, take a mouthful of each and chew them together inside my face? It takes up too much time and people look at me strangely in the supermarket.

What I want is for Milka to insert all my favourite biscuits into their chocolate for me. I don't care if that means they have to make whole new machines for their factories or employ extra chocolate technicians to work out the "math". That's not my problem. Just do it please.

Thank you.

But why stop at putting biscuits into chocolate? Why not put crisps into an olive, or stuff a pickled onion into a cake? Think of all the time we could save. I would like to live in a world where I no longer have to eat three courses separately, instead all my meals - starter, first course, pudding / breakfast, lunch, dinner - will be combined into just one dish. Maybe in the form of a horrible pie.

Not the pie I was talking about earlier

But before that can happen, we have to accept Milka with Oreo in it. If it's success then maybe they can move on to the pickled onion thing, but it's important we embrace this bold first move.

Rare glance under the surface of a Milka Oreo segment

But Monsieur Gobble Monkey, what if we don't like Milka with Oreo? I hear you ask - well don't panic it's  as nice as you'd expect - all the good bits of an Oreo (i.e. the biscuit bits and the creme filling) combined with all the good bits of Milka chocolate (i.e. the chocolate). And if you hang on for a second and stop barking inane questions at me, you'll find out I'm about to hand it a massive Gobble Monkey 6 out 7.

Milka with Oreo, £1.45, available from Cyber Candy 
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7 (see told you)

Galaxy Flutes

What do you do if you're on a diet but you still want to constantly eat chocolate?

a) eat an apple
b) pour yourself some Diet Coke, put on Sex and The City and think about buttercups for a bit
OR
c) eat some 'health chocolate'

Most chocolate companies have a lighter product for their more "discerning customer" - eg Mars Delight, KitKat Senses and - i can barely bring myself to write it - the Twix Fino.

Basically, making chocolate healthy entails shoving some wafer in it and giving it a poncy name.

So here's the latest Galaxy health chocolate:

Flute, because flutes are light and floaty you see. Whereas a trombone is big and heavy. Galaxy Trombones would not work. Neither would Galaxy Extra Fat Oboe.

(Note the thin lower case font used to write flutes - they couldn't have made those letters any thinner could they? This is what you will look like if you eat Galaxy flutes.)

Here's what Galaxy say about the Flutes (sorry flutes):

“Galaxy Flutes perfectly encapsulate the indulgence and pleasure which have become synonymous with the Galaxy brand and are a perfect treat for a luxurious snack for discerning chocolate lovers.

Consumers will love the benefit of a combination of textures with the mix of wafer and cream providing an ideal afternoon snacking moment."

Hmmmm that sounds like the very definition of delicious doesn't it! (If you asked a robot to define delicious).

How could these possibly be low fat?! Look at all the nice words they use:

indulgence
pleasure
perfect
treat
luxurious
discerning
ideal afternoon snacking moment

These are going to be amazing right? Do you want to have a look? You do?

OK PREPARE YOUR EYES....
.
.
.
READY TO LOOK AT AN INDULGENT PERFECT PLEASURE TREAT?
.
.
.
GO!

Remember ladies, you may ONLY eat these in the afternoon

You see by "discerning chocolate lovers", what Galaxy really mean is desperate chocolate lovers.

My advice, just eat a twix then go for a walk afterwards.

Or try my new invention - it's called Dairy Milk Pan Pipe, and it's basically a chocolate covered piece of raw asparagus. Only 3 calories.

(As for me, I'm going to be buying all my Galaxy Flutes from this guy - 24 for £2.39!! That's less than 10p a bar! Still in date! Perfect for Halloween! And he's got a nice beard.)



Galaxy Flutes, 50p 
Gobble Monkey says 5 out of 7

Tango Demolition Balls

AT LAST!

It's here! YES! Tango Chocolate!*

What do you mean you don't want any?

I don't know why Tango Chocolate* has taken this long, to be honest.  The logic is simple: Everyone likes Tango, so why not just put Tango in everything?

Tango Chocolate* is only the beginning. In the future, I would like ALL food that I eat to be infused with Tango. Tango cereal for breakfast, Tango sandwiches for lunch and Tango chips and Tango ice cream for tea. What about warm Tango soup? Or Tango cheese. All washed down with an ice-cold glass of sweet, sweet Tango.

The Tango possibilities are endless. (If you don't like Tango, don't worry, you will soon get used to it. You won't have a choice.)

OK LET'S EAT THE TANGO CHOCOLATE*

So the USP of the Tango "Demolition" Balls/Bar* is they contain bits of popping candy. ("Tang Your Taste Buds" the slogan says, meaninglessly.)

The "Demolition Bar" is one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten. It's a bit like a soft Aero with an incredibly sweet, sickly orange aftertaste that clogs in the throat - Terry's Chocolate Orange this ain't. And the popping candy just got on my nerves.

The "Demolition Balls" fare slightly better, if only because they deliver their sickly orange punch in a smaller dose. They're a bit like Orange Revels, but with the addition of that irritating popping candy again. Consider my taste buds "tanged".

Still, it's too late to stop the Tango Revolution now, so we may as well just get on with it.

Tango Demolition Bar, 50p
Gobble Monkey says: zero of of seven

Tango Demolition Balls, 55p
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of seven

*Contains no actual Tango.

















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Bitsa Wispa

Wispa fans! You love Wispas right? No ordinary chocolate for you guys, right? You like a bit of AIR in your chocolate. Air is so TASTY isn't it? I don't know why they don't add it to more things. HMM MMM you love a bit of air. Can't get enough of the stuff by normal breathing can you? You have to have it injected into all your confectionery too.

Anyway, there's only one thing tastier than a Wispa, right? YES - 9% of a Wispa.

GROUND BREAKING

LOOK: a normal full size Wispa is 12.2cm by 2.9cm:

And a "Bitsa Wispa" is 2.1cm by 1.4cm:

No more trying to eat that unmanageable 12.2cm monolith, now you can enjoy the great air-added taste of Wispa, ONLY SMALLER.

I ain't no professor, but everyone knows 9% of something is 145% tastier than the whole.

THAT'S SIMPLE MATH.

It just took some genius at Cadbury's to apply the equation to chocolate. I'd like to see all chocolate companies just chop up an existing product into 9% size chunks, give it an hilarious name and re-sell it to the public at inflated prices. That's my dream.

Amazingly, Cadbury have actually run a competition (you can read about it here) to be the FIRST PERSON TO EVER EAT A BITSA WISPA.

NEWSFLASH CADBURYS - I ate a 'bitsa wispa' 17 years ago when I just took a bite out of an existing Wispa.
Cancel the competition.

Anyway, it stands to reason, the SMALLER bits you chop your product into, the NICER it will taste. No new ideas, no new ingredients - all you need is a catchy name. With that in mind, here's some free ideas for confectionery giants:

Tiny Twix - a perfectly replicated Twix - shrunk to 0.02% of it's size in a handy sized snack pack.
Yorkie Crumbs - just crumbs of a Yorkie bar in a handy sized snack pack.
Aero Air - this is just the chocolately smelling air from the bubbles of an Aero - trapped in a handy sized snack pack.

It seems the recession has forced Cadbury's to invent new ways to rip off their customers:
1) make everything smaller, 2) insert extra air into everything.

Check out their new "Dairy Milk Bubbly" - "Milk chocolate with an aerated milk chocolate filling"

Ooh a bubble. Bubbles are so delicious, tasting of NOTHNG as they do.

Listen, Cadbury: STOP ADDING AIR TO THINGS.

NEWSFLASH: Air is free. I don't need to be charged extra for air. Air doesn't make things taste better. (It does make things look bigger though, doesn't it Cadburys?)

Imagine going to the shops for a potato and having Sainsburys charge you an extra 20p to buy one of their new aerated potatoes with added holes. Or a sausage with a big gap in it. What about a new book - with page 147 left completely blank?



And yet Aeros, Wispas, Bubblies and the rest are held up like ground breaking scientific breakthroughs from the future, revolutionising the humble cocoa bean. Listen, the coca bean was around 2000 years before some *$%* came along and started "aerating" it. So just leave it alone.

(And don't even get me started on Curly Wurlys.)

Bitsa Wispa, approx £1
Gobble Monkey says: 0 of out 7

Cadbury's Bubbly, approx £1.90
Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7 (Milk). 2 out of 7 (White)

Philadelphia: Cadbury

Listen - putting Cadbury chocolate into Philadelphia Cheese is a GOOD idea, so stop thinking it isn't.

There's a Depression on you know. Some people can't afford to buy both chocolate and cheese anymore. This is a vital life line. Stop being so selfish.

Just ask Brian O'Sullivan, managing director of Kraft Food Ireland:

"We are really proud to announce the launch of Philadelphia with Cadbury,” said Brian O’Sullivan, managing director, Kraft Foods Ireland. “It represents a bold cross-category innovation which brings together two iconic brands to create a new sub-category in the chilled aisle and a great tasting product for Philly and Cadbury lovers everywhere.”

Thanks Brian - but just but slapping together two random things in a pot doesn't get you a brand new "sub-catergory" - if it was that easy I could just put a sausage in a yoghurt and demand that Sainsbury's create an entire new aisle for it immediately.

It does sound like Kraft have done some canny market research here though  - apparently around 99.9% of all people who like cheese also like chocolate, so the most logical thing is to do is stuff them together into one pot as quickly as possible. I'm actually surprised it took them this long to think if it. I mean, we all enjoyed Philadelphia with Garlic and Herb. We all enjoyed Philadelphia with Chives. So this is just a natural progression.

Luckily parent company Kraft make both Philadelphia and Cadburys, so i assume they just redirect a pipe somewhere.

In truth, it's a sign of the times that there are few completely new products around. In an unpredictable market, it's far less risky to bolt-on a existing brand name to a well known product than release something unknown.
In the future, there will be no new ideas at all, and instead all ideas will merely be amalgamations of pre-existing concepts - like potatoes and bricks, or a kitten and a door-stop.

Cadbury Philadelphia is merely the beginning, my friends, of a long slippery slope that will lead into the endless recycling and combining of everything until all things are one homogeneous mass. A bit like a massive McFlurry.

But it is a very tasty slope so don't worry too much.

The big question - is it more chocolatey cheese or cheesy chocolate? Well, despite being 56% cheese, it's chocolatey with a slight after taste of cream cheese. A bit like a cheesecake. AND IT'S DELICIOUS.

Ultimately there are few products that aren't improved by adding chocolate. And while I can't see myself putting it in a smoked salmon bagel, "Philly Choc" would make a lovely alternative to chocolate spread on a bit of toast, as a dip for a Twix finger, or, my preferred method, just spooned directly into my mouth.

Philadelphia Cadbury, £1.62
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

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Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate

FANTASTIC NEWS. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has brought out his own range of chocolate.

There is NO WAY this is at odds with Jamie's crusade to rid the world of all obese children, so if that's what your thinking, just stop it.

Jamie Oliver is NOT a hypocrite and anyone who says he is putting his principles in the bin in order to stamp his face on every foodstuff in the land is WRONG. He does ALL his shopping at Sainsburys, genuinely enjoys having 'Jules' help him in the garden and his branded Italian restaurants are really good value for money. OK?

In fact, this chocolate is just part of Jamie's master plan to eradicate all fat children from Great Britain.

After all, what better way than to discourage kids from eating chocolate than to fill it with disgusting sea salt?

So instead of marketing chocolate to kids, Jamie is aiming it directly at sailors. Jamie is well aware that the sea is salty and sailors sail on the sea so therefore ALL sailors must love salt, right? That is all they eat all day and want all their meals heavily salted - even desserts and especially chocolate bars.

And if any kids are tempted to try this, to put them off Jamie's written some complete nonsense on the back:

"Tickle your taste buds with this luxuriously rich chocolate with a sprinkling of sea salt. Let the crystals sparkle on your tongue before the salt-chocolate alchemy begins - the salt cuts the sweetness to reveal riches and more intense chocolate flavour"

WHAT?

Whatever happened to simply saying PUKKA every five minutes Jamie? You could have just written 'Salt flavoured chocolate' on the back of the packet and had done with it. Instead, you've turned into a massive salt loving ponce.

'Hello Sailor' claims to be 'rich creamy chocolate sprinkled with sea salt'.

I have to take issue with Jamie's definition of the word 'sprinkled' - let me tell you this: if you like swimming in the ocean with your mouth open, you might like Jamie's Hello Sailor chocolate.

Now, Americans have been stuffing their chocolate with salt for years and if anything, salt usually makes things more moreish. But this is just a step too far - it tastes like it has been marinated in saline solution for about 6 weeks. Here's where Hello Sailor slots in on the saltiness level chart:

1) The sea
2) Jamie Oliver Hello Sailor Chocolate
3) Ready salted crisps
4) Jamie Oliver Pasta Sauce
5) Anchovies

Good work Jamie, not only will no child ever eat this, no non-boat dwelling human will either. You've saved the world (again).

Jamie Oliver 'Hello Sailor' Chocolate, £2
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7

Galaxy Gift For You

Confectionery companies have begun to capitalise more aggressively on holidays in recent years. Before we just had a chocolate egg in a mug, or a cheap selection box featuring too many Bountys - these days, every Easter the shelves are stocked high with Malteaster Bunnys and Aero Lambs, and come December, Christmas stockings are stuffed with Aero Mint Xmas Trees and Lindt Reindeers...

But now, Galaxy have taken the logical step and bypassed all that with a chocolate product suitable for ANY occasion - the Galaxy Gift For You:




A Gift for ME? Oh Galaxy! You shouldn't have! THANK YOU.

BUT NO - this isn't for me. It's for YOU.

Galaxy have basically hijacked YOUR birthday / wedding anniversary / Yom Kippur.

Now ANY celebration, any celebration AT ALL, must be commemorated with the giving and receiving of a Galaxy Gift For You. NO other presents are required. Some people (NOT GOBBLE MONKEY) might find it offensive that Galaxy believe that a single Gift For You should be a compulsory gift to be given to a new mother on the day of the birth of her first child or presented to a visiting Sultan.

Never mind that the Galaxy Gift For You is actually technically NOT a present, it's merely a chocolate representation of a present. I for one never liked bows on presents anyway. Any bow would go straight in the bin. That's the problem with Galaxy Gift For You - the whole thing is the packaging - okay, it's packaging made of chocolate - but still, it's completely unwrappable, with nothing inside it save a bit of squishy caramel where a lovely wooden toy or a cardigan should be. Imagine a present you can never unwrap - that's the definition of cruelty. (I tried to unwrap it and I got really sticky fingers.)

Plus only HALF this lovely present is filled with caramel. I've no idea why. Obviously whoever gives this to you likes you, but not enough to give you the full quota of caramel. Maybe the full caramel gift is reserved only for Sultans.

  

But HOLD ON - check out what Bep Dhaliwal, Mars trade communications manager has to say about Galaxy Gift for You:

“Self-eat products have grown increasingly popular with consumers and they love treating themselves to something new from their favourite brands...Galaxy Gift for You is sure to be a success"

SELF-EAT? Treating MYSELF??? So this is actually supposed to be a gift for ME from ME? And I still don't get the full caramel version!? How is it a 'Gift For Me' if I'm the one paying 65p for it? Well listen Galaxy, if I have to buy myself a chocolate-based present, it's going to be a Twix.

No, make that a King-Size Twix. I deserve it.

(Galaxy Gift For You is however very tasty, and for future reference I would gladly receive this as a supplementary present for all my future birthdays/Christian festivals.)

Galaxy Gift For You, 65p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

Cadbury Screme Egg

Like all the Christian festivals, Halloween (well known to be Jesus's favourite holiday) is inherently linked to sweets and chocolate.

So I'm sure Jesus would have approved of Cadbury's decision to re-brand its classic Easter treat as a spooky Halloween one.

By simply adding the letter 'S' in front on the word 'creme', Cadbury's have instantly transformed the humble chocolate egg into something utterly terrifying. A masterstroke. I can barely stand to look at it, unless it is by peeking through my fingers.

But WAIT it's not just a horrifying letter that has been changed. OH NO. Cadbury's have also made the (usually yellow) 'yolk' GREEN.

THE WORLD'S SCARIEST COLOUR.

BRRR I AM TREMBLING.

I wonder what other chocolates could be made more scary by adding a letter/changing a colour? I will give these concepts free to Cadbury for next year:

Marsh Bar (yes a marsh like a bog. That is scary. The nougat in this is green.)
Lions Bar (two lions are scarier than one. The lions on the packet are green.)
Flakey (skin)

Anyway, I extracted the green 'yolk' to make sure it doesn't taste any different. IT DOESN'T. That would have been a step to far for the Cadbury master-minds. The colour green is terrifying ENOUGH without bothering to make it taste different.

Just ask Natasha Briant-Evans, Cadbury brand manager for events. She says: “Cadbury Screme Egg is back, bringing with it some gruesome gooiness to the Halloween season. Consumers will enjoy its unexpectedly green yolk, giving them the opportunity to enjoy the classic taste of a Creme Egg out of the usual Easter season.”

WELL NOT NOW YOU'VE GIVEN AWAY THE SURPRISE NATASHA! Also I'm not really sure how much pleasure I can derive purely from the colour green, unexpected or not, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend money on your products at other times of the year. What a lovely favour.

At least Jesus would have approved - he hated a lot of Easter - and, nice co-incidence, his favourite colour was green.

The main problem is, an egg is intrinsically UN-scary. There are no gothic horror novels based on evil undead eggs or scary movies featuring eggs in scary masks killing babysitters. I can never be scared of an egg, least of all one with a green yolk. I would just throw it in the bin.

An egg CANNOT defeat me, it is simple fact - I am more powerful than any egg. Unless of course the egg hatched and it had a dinosaur or a ghost in it or something. Cadbury's should have thought about doing that. OR, invent a scary story about a man who is haunted by a ghostly Cadbury's Creme Egg. Maybe the man had carelessly stepped on a discarded Cadbury's Creme Egg one morning on his way to work, then is forever finding them turning up unannounced in his fridge. I'm trembling again as I type this. That is genuinely scary, green yolk or not.

Cadbury Screme Egg, 55p
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of seven

FOR MORE HALLOWEEN SWEETS, CLICK HERE

MARS: TRIPLE CHOC

Mars have done their market research and discovered that almost 100% of people who like Mars Bars ALSO like chocolate. Obviously this means that what people really want is a Mars Bar with chocolate flavour nougat and chocolate flavour caramel - THE TRIPLE CHOC. 

This pointless remake of the Mars Bar takes the classic bar in two very new and startling directions:

1) It's in a brown wrapper
2) It tastes very similar to a normal Mars but slightly worse.

In fact, as the brown wrapper is chocolate coloured, I reckon you could get away with calling this QUADRUPLE CHOC. You missed a trick there Mars. YOU IDIOTS.

Here's my advice chocolate fans - if you like chocolate so much, just buy some Dairy Milk.

Anyway, what happened to Mars: Double Choc? I never saw that one on the shelves. They skipped that one and went straight to Triple. Mars should bring out a full range of chocolate and non-chocolate based Mars Bars like this:

Mars: Un-Choc - naked Mars Bar. Absolutely no chocolate involved
Mars: Single Choc - original Mars
Mars: Double Choc - chocolate covering and chocolate caramel
Mars: Triple Choc - chocolate caramel, chocolate nougat and chocolate covering
Mars: Quad-Choc - as Triple Choc, but with chocolate sprinkles on top
Mars: Mega-Choc - as Quad Choc, but with with two 99s stuck in it
Mars: Mega-Choc Extreme - solid chocolate Mars Bar
Mars: Ltd Edition Mental Mega-Choc Extreme Extra - as above but the wrapper is also made of chocolate and comes with a free chocolate button

I look forward to those.

Mars: Triple Choc (Limited Edition), 70p
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7