Tango Demolition Balls

AT LAST!

It's here! YES! Tango Chocolate!*

What do you mean you don't want any?

I don't know why Tango Chocolate* has taken this long, to be honest.  The logic is simple: Everyone likes Tango, so why not just put Tango in everything?

Tango Chocolate* is only the beginning. In the future, I would like ALL food that I eat to be infused with Tango. Tango cereal for breakfast, Tango sandwiches for lunch and Tango chips and Tango ice cream for tea. What about warm Tango soup? Or Tango cheese. All washed down with an ice-cold glass of sweet, sweet Tango.

The Tango possibilities are endless. (If you don't like Tango, don't worry, you will soon get used to it. You won't have a choice.)

OK LET'S EAT THE TANGO CHOCOLATE*

So the USP of the Tango "Demolition" Balls/Bar* is they contain bits of popping candy. ("Tang Your Taste Buds" the slogan says, meaninglessly.)

The "Demolition Bar" is one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten. It's a bit like a soft Aero with an incredibly sweet, sickly orange aftertaste that clogs in the throat - Terry's Chocolate Orange this ain't. And the popping candy just got on my nerves.

The "Demolition Balls" fare slightly better, if only because they deliver their sickly orange punch in a smaller dose. They're a bit like Orange Revels, but with the addition of that irritating popping candy again. Consider my taste buds "tanged".

Still, it's too late to stop the Tango Revolution now, so we may as well just get on with it.

Tango Demolition Bar, 50p
Gobble Monkey says: zero of of seven

Tango Demolition Balls, 55p
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of seven

*Contains no actual Tango.

















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TURBO Tango

Once Tango was an polite orange-based soft drink, then it was briefly about a big man slapping you in the face, now it is this:

TURBO Tango. A gas powered fizzy drink, designed to fill your mouth with a thick orangey foam. About as far away from an orange as it is possible to get. I don't even know if this thing qualifies as a foodstuff. Is it a drink? A toy? A weapon? It looks like the kind of thing you'd get tooled up with before setting fire to Footlocker. Look how violently exciting it sounds:

Any product that lists Nitrogen in its ingredients deserves full attention. Especially as its covered with slogans like 'READY TO BLOW!', 'NITRO FUELLED MAYHEM' and 'WARNING: FOAM EXPLOSION!' Watch out though, Britvic have trademarked all these phrases:

So don't go round casually saying FOAM EXPLOSION at any point OK? No matter how tempting it is. Even by repeatedly writing the words FOAM EXPLOSION here I am risking a massive law suit from Britvic. It's not like I haven't been warned - check out the in-your-face 'You Got That?' at the end there. "You got that DUDE? Yeah well you better GET IT bro, cos otherwise there's gonna be a FOAM EXPLOSION all over your face man!"

Let's see what the all together more sensible Jonathan Gatward, marketing director of Britvic Soft Drinks, has to say:

"With Turbo Tango, we’ve gone one step further and come up with a world first that really is 'soft drink meets squirty cream."

A 'world first'? You mean to tell me, Jonathan, that no one thought to mix Tango with dairy products before? It seems so obvious. But if that's your bag,  I've got some more 'world firsts' for you - how about 'soft drink meets skinny latte'? OR 'soft drink meets DairyLea Dunkers'? OR 'soft drink meets a quiche'?

Hopefully one day, ALL food and drink will come in foam form. Even a cup of tea. It would make life on the go much easier. Fingers crossed.

ANYWAY Let's stop messing around and start the FOAM PARTY! I can't WAIT to get me my FOAM EXPLOSION! (sue me Brtivic). I imagine it will be like a completely mental Ibiza foam party except ORANGE flavoured!

READY?

TAKE COVER! HERE WE GO!

QUICKLY CALL THE FOAM POLICE, THERE'S BEEN A FOAM EMERGENCY.

If i wanted some slightly flat Tango, I could just shake up a normal can and open it in my face. And I'd still have a more foamy experience than this. 

On the back of the bottle, it claims:

I would suggest, if you really want 'the ultimate foamy experience', you could:

a) have a bubble bath
or
b) do the WASHING UP

TURBO Tango will in no way will quench your thirst, and doesn't taste nice.

The two main things I ask for in a drink.

TURBO Tango, Britvic, £1.60
Interesting ingredient: Glycerol Esters of Wood Rosins
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7

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