Pinky Pigs

My face went mental this week when I saw this:

@Angela_Barnesy: "This is my pal Jo Hoare's design project from school in 1991. M+S introduce Percy Pigs in 1995."

Jo Hoare 1991.
M&S 1995.

YOU DO THE MATH.

Now I've made false allegations against Fred Ferkel / Percy Pig before, and after the infamous "Tappsy Scandal" I am reluctant to open this particular Pandora's Pig Pen again. (All I'll say is, Jo Hoare, the Percy Pig empire is worth approx £2.2billion. M&S you better have a very good lawyer*.)

But either:

a) M&S are thieving b-stards who steal multi-million pound ideas from school children,
b) Jo Hoare has a functional time machine
OR c) the Percy Pig mould - like the works of Shakespeare and the likeness of Santa Claus - has gone into the public domain, and thus anyone can use it.** Even, say, cheap high street clothes retailers.

Yeah that's right, I said clothes retailers. Check these out, from popular UK high-street cardigan shop, Next:

MMMM SOMETIMES WHEN I AM BUYING A CARDIGAN I WANT TO EAT A SWEET SHAPED LIKE A PIG'S FACE ALSO.

Since when did Next start making sweets? I mean they make excellent cardigans, there's no argument there, none at all - but Pig Sweets? It's an odd extension to their range of socks and t-shirts with big numbers on. Anyway, they're definitely from the same mould as Percy / Ferkel - check it:

PINKY PIG

GOOD NEWS: JO HOARE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO 99% OF ALL PINKY PIG PROFITS***

BAD NEWS: Next's Pinky Pigs taste nothing like Percies. They're disgusting. Imagine eating some rubber that's been.... no, hang on, just imagine eating some rubber. That's it. They taste like rubber. And not even tasty rubber either. I'd imagine their cardigans actually taste nicer.

But this year I am hoping to win this:



so i am awarding them the full Gobble Monkey 7 out of 7. And if you don't like that, why don't you go and write a letter to OFCOM or something?****

Pinky Pigs, Next, £1
Gobble Monkey says 7 out of 7

thanks to @mullies for the sweets.
Check out more fake Percies here and here

*they probably do.
**it's definitely c) OK? Definitely.
***approx. £0.30p
****good luck with that.

Percy in the Pink

I was getting worried when Marks and Spencers hadn't released a new Percy Pig themed product for a least a week - but then these came out: PHEW

Check out Percy there, hard at work in the kitchen. MAKING CHOCOLATE PIGS IN HIS OWN IMAGE.

How vain is that - making sweets that look exactly like yourself? You wouldn't catch Delia Smith making a chocolate brownie in the shape of her own face would you? Or a range of Jamie Oliver sausages shaped like exact replicas of his own miniaturised body? (although I would definitely buy both of these).

Hopefully soon all Marks and Spencer products will be re-modelled into the shape of Percy's face, the shop will be re-named Marks and Percy and Spencer, then re-named again as Percy's Pig Emporium before all staff are forced to wear pig masks and communicate only in oinks. That's my dream anyway - and I won't rest until it happens. (except for the oinking thing)

Percy of course would rule over the whole thing like a mad dictator - look he's already got the salute down pat:

Stupid Nazi.

So anyway, these chocolate versions of Percy Pig are made from white chocolate with dried raspberry & strawberry concentrates - the same recipe as the infamous Percy Pig Easter Egg from last Egg Day. They taste exactly the same as that - far too sweet to be consumed by a human. Sadly, I fear under Percy's new regime of terror we won't have a choice.

Percy in the Pink, 99p, Marks and Spencers
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7

Percy Pig "Easter Egg"

Oh Percy.

What have they done to you now?

The shame - forced to wear what can only be described as a multi-coloured thong made of hundreds and thousands. Look at him, waving coquettishly like he's debuting his new Spring collection of swim wear. My poor poor Percy.

This giant chocolate version of the M&S mascot, clearly aimed at the Easter market, must have been created to feed that small sub section of egg-hating Christians who want to enjoy Easter without being forced to eat an egg.

Personally I think that a giant pig in sprinkly pants is what God had in mind when he invented Easter.

In 1996 I re-named Easter "Egg Day" to annoy Christians - but I can see that soon all remnants of any religious or pagan concepts associated with Easter will be long forgotten and it will be known simply as "Random objects made of chocolate day". And I'm totally in support of that. Eggs have had the monopoly on Easter for too long.


Curiously this product is just labelled "Percy Pig" - as if it is the definitive Percy Pig product. Then right next to that: "Percy Pig flavour".

Is "Percy Pig" an official flavour now? Like cheese or banana or blue raspberry? You can't just go around making up new flavours M&S. That is illegal. The back of the packet describes it more accurately:

"Hollow white chocolate pig with dried raspberry and strawberry concentrates and decorated with sprinkles (2%)"



(In fact, I bet that is Marks and Spencer's evil plan - to elimiate eggs and rename Easter as 'Hollow White Chocolate Pig with Dried Raspberry and Strawberry Concentrates and decorated with Sprinkles (2%) Day' and force everyone to swap their hollow pigs and roll hollow pigs down hills instead.)

It tastes OK - very sweet and fruity. I'd wager it would be impossible to eat a whole one without being violently sick. Especially when the moment comes where you realise you are nibbling off Percy's edible thong.

But the final indignity comes when you turn Percy over to discover this:

Percy's bare bottom. HAPPY EASTER INDEED.

"Percy Pig", Marks and Spencer, £6
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

MORE GOBBLE MONKEY EASTER EGG REVIEWS HERE
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Fred Ferkel: An Apology

Imagine having to apologise to this:

Look at his stupid lemonade drinking smug face. It makes me sick. But I must say it:

I AM SORRY FRED FERKEL I WAS WRONG.

Previously, I had accused Fred Frekel, the pig sweet produced by German confectionary giant Katjes, as being a Percy Pig IMPOSTOR.

BUT.
Yesterday I found this interesting article from the Independent about the Percy phenomenon which includes the following passage:

The idea for a foamy sweet came from a German manufacturer called Katjes, but it wasn't until the original <Marks and Spencers>  product team led by Julia Catton came up with the Percy character that it could be manufactured in the kind of volume that would keep Katjes and Marks & Spencer happy.

Catton, remembers that time well. "It was the mid-1990s, we'd already made a few yoghurt gum and licorice products with Katjes but nothing had really worked in the UK, so a team of us went out to Germany to thrash around some ideas. We sat around a table and drew a blank. Eventually, the Katjes people said, 'We'll leave you here for an hour and see if you can come up with anything.' I looked up and saw a licorice panda sweet with different coloured ears. Next thing I knew, I had drawn Percy Pig on a piece of paper."

TAPPSY. Percy Pig is BASED ON TAPPSY.

BLOODY TAPPSY THE PANDA

I like the idea of the "Katjes people" forcing the poor British M&S people to be locked in an office until they came up with a idea. What would have happened if they hadn't thought of one? (THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED) And in the end, Catton just looked at a panda and drew a picture of pig. Which took her at least ONE HOUR. That's what the pressure of being tortured to death by German sweet manufacturers does to you I guess.

(By the way, Julia, THIS

took me 45 seconds.  Just saying. )

So anyway it seems that Percy and Fred are twins, born at the same moment, evolving simultaneously out of the same racist liquorish panda.

TAPPSY IS THE ORIGINAL PERCY.

I can't believe it.

Like any good journalist, I went back to Marks and Spencers to challenge them on this new information. This was their response:

gobblemonkey @marksandspencer are Fred Ferkel and Percy Pig one and the same?

marksandspencer @gobblemonkey There's only one Percy Pig :)

Technically there are BILLIONS of Percy Pigs and even more if you count the gazillions of Fred Ferkels stinking up Germany. So why do M&S continue to try and cover up the existence of Fred? Is he the good twin and Percy the evil one? Who knows? Who cares? (I care.)

Anyway, from now on, I will NEVER buy another Percy Pig again, instead I will be importing all my pig sweet needs from Katjes' see-through candy factory in Potsdam.

THE END

Fred Ferkel

Concerned Gobble Monkey reader @dynamowe wrote to me today with news of yet more fake Percy Pigs:

I found some Estonian Percy Pigs this weekend called Fred Ferkels, got the packaging, want to see!? (they tasted v similar!) The cleaners threw away my packet, but found a photo! They tasted v similar (from Tallinn, Estonia) he says.

I don't blame those cleaners - check out the photo:

Look familiar? You can imagine my reaction when I saw that. It was similar (but not exactly the same) to:
'WHO THE **** IS FRED FERKEL'

Well I did some digging and I found out who Fred Ferkel is. 'Ferkel' is German for PIG or PIGLET.

FRED PIGLET.

It turns out Katjes (Dutch for 'little cat') are not Estonian, but a long running German sweet manufacturer. (Their current advertising campaign seems to feature Jennifer Aniston holding a rabbit for no reason)

After some exhaustive research (I googled them) I uncovered the whole shady business. Check it the low down on Fred Piglet

Now listen, I've always liked the Germans, but enough is enough. EURO '96 was one thing, but stealing the Percy Pig mould, renaming him Fred and forcing him to wear that horrible stripped purple t-shirt with white gloves and stupid hat combo IS NOT ON.

Now read their lies:

"Everyone loves our Fred Ferkel. This is plain to see, since who could resist such a sweet guy? Perhaps it is due to the sweet little fruit gum ears, tasting of cherries, strawberries or raspberries, or because of the softly whipped pink foam. In this regard, everyone seems to have a different view - but this doesn't matter as long as they like the taste!"

OK:
1) NO ONE loves Fred Piglet. It is NOT plain to see. He is NOT a sweet guy, he is an IMPOSTOR.
2) There are only two different views there, "little fruit ears" or "softly whipped pink foam" so not everyone has a different view. Roughly 50% of people have the same view. OR LIKE ME THEY HATE FRED FERKEL.
3) "Hmmh tasty swinishness" it says.  Definition of swinish: resembling swine; coarsely gluttonous or greedy; eg "the piggy fat-cheeked little boy and his porcine pot-bellied father". So basically "Hmmh tasty pigness" then. Delicious.

But while I was on the Katje website, I happened upon something even more awful than Fred. THIS:

Now, this sort of thing might not be frowned upon in the Euro-Zone, but here we consider "blacking up" to be unacceptable, especially to a national treasure like Percy. That's like asking Joanna Lumley to perform a one-woman Jackson 5 tribute.

Then there's this:

"Tap, tap, tap, here comes Tappsy, and with him the little Tappsy-ritual: you put a Tappsy in your hand, look him at his red nose, and start by biting off his ears! Yummy! We are aware that many of you love the white Tappsy, but they will be very lonely without the black ones. Everything panda?!"

NO EVERYTHING IS NOT PANDA. I'm not even going to go into the many things wrong with that last sentence. Let's just concentrate on the utter nonsense before it.

Oh yeah, we've all got our Tappsy ritual haven't we? Tap tap tap! Here's mine:

1) PUT A TAPPSY IN MY HAND
2) LOOK AT HIS RED NOSE
3) THROW HIM IN THE BIN

I'd heard a rumour about these from Gobble Monkey reader @steffiejayb16, but I thought they couldn't really exist. God knows what they taste like, but what would you expect from Katje, the company that also brings you this:

Also I found this on the site's FAQs:

Can I also take a factory tour around your premises?

We know how happy it would make you to come and visit us. That is why we have built you a transparent hard boiled candy factory in Potsdam.

No, I'll leave it, thanks.

Anyway, here's the FINAL (i hope, i'm running out of room) line-up:

THE END.

EDIT! Since the publication of this article, more information on Fred Ferkel came to light. SEE HERE.

Other fake Percies:
Greedy Pigs
Eric the Elephant and Children's Farm
Pig's Mugs
Mystery fake Percy

UPDATE:

Imagine having to apologise to this:

Look at his stupid lemonade drinking smug face. It makes me sick. But I must say it:

I AM SORRY FRED FERKEL I WAS WRONG.

Previously, I had accused Fred Frekel, the pig sweet produced by German confectionary giant Katjes, as being a Percy Pig IMPOSTOR.

BUT.
Yesterday I found this interesting article from the Independent about the Percy phenomenon which includes the following passage:

The idea for a foamy sweet came from a German manufacturer called Katjes, but it wasn't until the original <Marks and Spencers>  product team led by Julia Catton came up with the Percy character that it could be manufactured in the kind of volume that would keep Katjes and Marks & Spencer happy.

Catton, remembers that time well. "It was the mid-1990s, we'd already made a few yoghurt gum and licorice products with Katjes but nothing had really worked in the UK, so a team of us went out to Germany to thrash around some ideas. We sat around a table and drew a blank. Eventually, the Katjes people said, 'We'll leave you here for an hour and see if you can come up with anything.' I looked up and saw a licorice panda sweet with different coloured ears. Next thing I knew, I had drawn Percy Pig on a piece of paper."

TAPPSY. Percy Pig is BASED ON TAPPSY.

BLOODY TAPPSY THE PANDA

I like the idea of the "Katjes people" forcing the poor British M&S people to be locked in an office until they came up with a idea. What would have happened if they hadn't thought of one? (THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED) And in the end, Catton just looked at a panda and drew a picture of pig. Which took her at least ONE HOUR. That's what the pressure of being tortured to death by German sweet manufacturers does to you I guess.

(By the way, Julia, THIS

took me 45 seconds.  Just saying. )

So anyway it seems that Percy and Fred are twins, born at the same moment, evolving simultaneously out of the same racist liquorish panda.

TAPPSY IS THE ORIGINAL PERCY.

I can't believe it.

Like any good journalist, I went back to Marks and Spencers to challenge them on this new information. This was their response:

gobblemonkey @marksandspencer are Fred Ferkel and Percy Pig one and the same?

marksandspencer @gobblemonkey There's only one Percy Pig :)

Technically there are BILLIONS of Percy Pigs and even more if you count the gazillions of Fred Ferkels stinking up Germany. So why do M&S continue to try and cover up the existence of Fred? Is he the good twin and Percy the evil one? Who knows? Who cares? (I care.)

Anyway, from now on, I will NEVER buy another Percy Pig again, instead I will be importing all my pig sweet needs from Katjes' see-through candy factory in Potsdam.

THE END

Greedy Pigs

Last week I received the following email from Gobble Monkey reader Lucy:

Hello Wise Gobble Monkey

Last weekend I went away to Edinburgh with friends. Whilst browsing in the gift shop at the Mary King Street Experience (don't ask) I came across THESE! (see pic attached.) They appear to be yet another variant of 'Percy Pigs', named 'Greedy Pigs', in fact, aesthetically they were exactly the same as Percy. However, at £3.99 a bag I refrained from purchasing. I immediately took a picture and have referred it to you for your consultation and analysis. thanks.

Lucy (an avid GM follower and fan)

Here's the pic:

More fake percys? Sadly I can not make out a single pig face among them (lovely nail varnish though, Lucy) so analysis is difficult. But judging by the list of ingredients I can make an artists impression of what a 'Greedy Pig' would look like:

I rate them 6 out of 7 based purely on this, making them superior to the real Percy. Hope that helps Lucy. Next time you're at the Mary King Street Experience  fork out the £3.99 and buy I pack - I guarantee* you'll love them!

Now the line-up looks like this:

INTRIGUING.

In other Percy news, Marks and Spencer have released a limited edition Christmas variation, Piglet Party.

A piglet party sounds like fun doesn't it? At least that idiot Percy won't be there, right? Being a fully grown pig and all. OH NO LOOK ACTUALLY HE IS COMING.

Now, how come that one piglet doesn't get a party hat? Did Percy steal it and put it on his own head? Maybe Percy hates him. He certainly seems to like squashing his head. 

And what festive thoughts is Percy thinking? What thoughts of joy and happiness are running through this head as he plays with his precious children at this special time of year? That's right, "no artificial colours or flavourings".

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE **$£
The sweets themselves are very nice - a mixture of gum and foam fruit flavoured mini pug faces, similar to the available-all-year-round Percy Piglets. 5 out of 7.

*this is in no way a guarantee

Trip to the shops: Part Three - Kingdom of Sweets / Gobstoppers

In London's trendy "Oxford Street" two new speciality sweet shops have opened, just 200 yards from each other.

First up, Gobble Monkey visited The Kingdom of Sweets. And what a Kingdom it was! Literally three rows of Pick'n'Mix! And like all Kingdoms, they've had their own rug made for the entrance:

I think they have something similar at Buckingham Palace.

Anyway The Kingdom is full of the sort of rich delights you would expect to find in a magical realm of sweets. Where else would you find the delicious-looking "Orange Surprise"?

Want to know what the "surprise" is? Well it's revealed on the back of the packet in brackets:

Normally I love Orange Coloured Cocoa Butter Based Confectionery, but £3.99 this was a bit pricey.
(I was slightly confused by the Kingdom's exchange rate. They were charging 50p for a Wham bar.)

AND WAIT A SECOND - if this was a Kingdom, then where was the Queen, Barbara Windsor? I was beginning to doubt it was a real Kingdom at all. But then I remembered the carpet.

Oxford Street's second sweet shop is just a one minute walk down the road:

Gobstoppers has the same range of Pick'n'Mix and US imported sweets as the Kingdom, but they've also branched out into branded merchandise down in the basement. They haven't quite managed to out-do M&M's World though. (WHAT IS THROUGH THE ORANGE DOOR? no one knows.)

(I don't think they've sold many of those.)

Anyway, after a good look around, I was just about to leave when something caught my eye:

NO.

COULD IT BE?

A PERCY PIG HERE? I was at least 500 yards from the nearest Marks and Spencers. But with no identifying label, I could not be sure if these were Percys, Pig's Mugs, Animal Farm Pig Variants OR SOMETHING ELSE?

I had to buy one, so placed a single 'pig sweet' in one of the paper bags provided and took it to the kindly looking elderly gentleman at the counter. With his wispy grey hair and wizened old face, I theorized he was probably the owner, an eccentric Willy Wonka figure with a secret sweet factory was behind the orange door in the basement.

But when I handed over the paper bag, he looked me as if I had just handed him a chocolate covered dead kitten.

'You can't have just one,' he spat, refusing to place the bag on the weighing machine.

I was slightly taken aback at his pure disgust. But then I remembered - Willy Wonka was a bit evil until the end wasn't he? Surely this was just the sort of test Charlie Bucket had passed so winningly when he returned Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper...

I was sure that, just like Wonka, this crumpled old miser would reveal his true jovial self the moment I had proved myself ready to receive the keys to the shop and a lifetime's supply of Jelly Belly beans.

Or maybe he just thought I was an undercover M&S operative, collating enough evidence to take him to the supreme court of justice.

'Why do you want just one?' he growled.

WELL. The true answer to this question would have taken at least one hour to explain, and by saying it out loud, could have crystallised the last three months of wasting hours writing nonsense about sweets bringing me weeping to my knees in the middle of the shop, ending the Gobble Monkey phenomenon immediately.

So instead I told him I just wanted to see what they tasted like.

Shoving it back in to my hand with a snarl, he didn't charge me a penny.

Had I passed the test? I waited a moment to see if he would lead me through the orange door into a glass elevator where he would handover the entire Gobstoppers franchise, and together, we'd march on the Kingdom of Sweets, dethrone their Queen and combine the shops via a secret tunnel. THEN RULE OXFORD ST SWEET SHOPS WITH A CANDY FIST! We'd have to get a new rug though.

But instead he just sat there looking bored. I had failed, and left the shop knowing I could never ever return. But at least I wasn't a giant blueberry.

Back home, I was able to study the 'Pig Sweet' more closely. Here it is:

See how it's much brighter in colour than a Percy Pig or a Pig's Mug. It's definitely not an Animal Farm either, as it lacks the distinctive jelly snout. And the taste? It's a lot tougher in texture, but this may be due to being left in the open air of Gobstoppers for months. It's fruity flavour matches the intensity of it's colours, but it's hard to tell which fruit, and ultimately it probably ranks as the worst Percy Imitation so far.

Here's the new line-up:

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Fake Percy No.4, Gobstoppers, free
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

PART TWO here

Percy Pig Juice

Oh come on! Enough already Percy! We've already eaten your face, tail, wife, children, 'pals', your nose and your tail - and now we have to drink your juice?!?

Are Marks and Spencers so determined to literally squeeze every last drop of cold hard cash out of your poor withered body?

By the way "M&S", I'm assuming this fruit juice IS suitable for vegetarians, although you will note that this Percy does NOT sport a green ear on the carton.

MARKS AND SPENCER YOU ARE CONFUSING ME WITH YOUR PINK EAR / GREEN EAR MIXED MESSAGES. You promised me that only green eared Percy's were pork free. It's a simple rule that you set yourselves, so keep to it. All I am asking for is consistency. DOES THIS JUICE HAVE PORK IN IT OR NOT?

If I was a vegetarian and I wanted some Percy Juice, I would have no other option than to pour a bag of Veggie Percies into a blender and drink the results. That would be the only way to be sure I was getting a completely non-gelatine experience.

This grape and raspberry juice is 'partially from concentrate', has no added sugar and tastes entirely of grape. It does not taste like the sweets.

I do like the drawing of Percy on the front though. He looks contented.

Percy Pig Grape and Raspberry Juice, £1.49 for three (SUITABLE FOR VEGANS)
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

While we're here, let's take a look at some other new products on the market:

KITKAT CARAMEL:

I assume these are new. I haven't seen them before. They do have the pleasing 'old style' foil and paper packaging though.

It would be difficult to make a KitKat any WORSE than it already is (God knows they tried with the ORANGE one and the sick, sick 70% Dark one), so well done Nestle for finally working out that caramel makes ANY biscuit 10 times nicer.

Hey, I've got another good idea for you Nestle - why'll you're at it, why not replace the CARDBOARD you currently pretend is wafter with some lovely shortcake? HMMMMMMM? And rename it a TWOX.

Shockingly, there is no actual layer of caramel in these (unlike the KitKat Caramel Chunky), just caramel flavouring. Well done Nestle, you even managed to mess that up.

KitKat Caramel, Nestle, £1.29
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

SKITTLES: "Crazy" Cores:

With these, the outer coating is one flavour while the "crazy" core of the Skittle is another.

The "surprising flavour combos" are:

Mango/Peach, Cherry/Lemonade, Melon/Undisclosed 'Berry',
Blue Raspberry (MY FAVOURITE SORT OF RASPBERRY)/Lemon and Strawberry/Watermelon.

They are delicious.


If only nature could make these proper flavours by itself instead of boring ones like carob or salad. Luckily Skittles have managed to surpass nature (AND THEREFORE GOD) and improve on his lame original so-called-natural flavours by combining them and making them blue.

Check out the "crazy" instructions on the packet - the absence of an exclamation mark leaves them curiously bland, and it is fun to say them aloud in a dour, sad voice. TRY IT. (Sadly I disobeyed the instructions and therefore my imagination has NOT been released.)

Skittles Crazy Cores, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

McVities medley:

Remember the crushing disappointment of finding a Tracker bar in your school lunchbox instead of a Trio? Well meet the new Tracker - the medley.

These have been around a couple of months, but I've been avoiding them. In their wisdom, McVities have decided to ignore basic grammatical rules and write medley with NO capital letter, instantly making them 10x more quirky than their erroneously named Quirks.

medlies (medleys?) are full of OATS. Who puts OATS in a bar anyway? An OAT has no place in the world of snacks. I don't like OATS, I like sugar and chocolate. An OAT is one of nature's previosuly mentioned boring flavours.

(I did not taste the nut one because I don't like nuts. Yes, that's right I am a monkey and I don't like nuts. When's the last time you saw a monkey eating nuts anyway? If you think a blog about sweets should not be written by someone who doesn't like nuts is wrong, then go and read this instead).

P.S. medley's (medlies) are surprisingly nice, despite high OAT content. (Luckily the oats are smothered in sugar and chocolate.)

McVities medley, £1.80 for six
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

KINDER EGG:
In a final slap in the face, Kinder have gone and changed the one constant in my life, the one thing i thought I could always rely on... the yellow plastic inner egg.

Now it flips open, retaining it's top half like a lid, rather than splitting into two halves. This takes away the satisfying pop out you got when biting it open with your teeth, BUT I must admit it is better. Sometimes, change is good.
BUT ONLY SOMETIMES DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE.

Gelatine Free Veggie Percy

NEW PERCY PIG ALERT!

For a long time certain "wags" on the internet have enjoyed mocking Percy Pigs for their gelatine content, which of course ha ha ha is made from pork.

So by eating a Percy Pig, you are really eating a Percy Pig! (and various other unnamed but equally important pigs). Not such a big shock, as there is a massive drawing of a pig on the front of the packet. Hardly false advertising on the part of Marks and Spencers.

To make things fair, M&S have released these vegetarian Percies which contain zero gelatine. So now you can choose between pig sweets made of pig OR pig sweets not made of pig, but look like a pig and have a massive drawing of a pig on the front and big letters guaranteeing they don't contain any pig. Everyone clear?

If in any doubt, the 'Good' Percies have been marked with one green ear (THE RIGHT EAR) and the 'Bad' Percies have two pink ears. MAKE YOUR DECISION.

The green ear doesn't signify that Veggie Percies are environmentally friendly or made of pure asparagus - it just means that in the eventuality that someone (A MENTALIST) were to 'accidentally' mix a bag of Veg Percies with Non-Veg Percies, then you would be able to differentiate between them, thus eliminating all risk of tasting some gelatine.

On the Percy farm, I would worry that the 'green ears' and the 'pink ears' would form two rival warring factions, hell-bent on destroying each other for domination of the pen. Which pig army would Cola Cow and Orange Lemon side with? Would Colin the Caterpillar remain neutral? I think we ALL know where Penny would stand.

Anyway, 'Veggie Percy' have a slightly stickier consistency than a regular Percy, but they taste pretty much the same. (I expect Swizzles Matlow to bring out "Extra Pork Pig's Mugs now with LOADSA gelatine" soon.)

MORE ON EVIL PERCIES HERE

Veggie Percy, Marks and Spencers, £1.25 (NOT SUITABLE FOR VEGANS)

Special Ingredient: Hydrolysed Pea Protein

Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

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