KitKat Chunky Champion

The KitKat, mankind's greatest con.

How to persuade people to buy cheap horrible wafer biscuit? Simple, just smother it in chocolate. THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE.

And you didn't did you? Now KitKats are the world's best selling chocolate bar.

Realising this, the geniuses at Nestle  came up with another plan: If the fools buy lots of our horrible wafer biscuits when they're covered in a little bit of chocolate, what happens when we cover them LOADS of chocolate? 

And so, in 1999, the KitKat Chunky was born: More wafer, even more chocolate.

The equation seems to be: the more chocolate added, the worse the biscuit underneath must be. It's a blatant admission that the centre of a KitKat, its very soul if you like, is rubbish. It's like when you wrap up the dog medicine in a nice juicy sausage, and the gullible dog happily gobbles it down.

AND THAT GULLIBLE DOG IS YOU, MY FRIEND.

Look: I nibbled off all the chocolate off a KitKat Chunky to reveal the TRUTH:

LOOK AT IT! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

Now in an effort to hide their bland, cardboard-like wafer from you even more, Nestle have launched four 'new' KitKat Chunky flavours, and it's up to YOU the kitkat buying idiots, to pick which one becomes the KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION and is permanently added to the range. (You can vote on their facebook page here.)

Here are the options: Peanut Butter, White Choc, Orange and "Double Choc"

Blimey, how did they come up with those crazy flavours!? Peanuts, orange, and EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE. Anything to cover up that god-awful wafer eh?

SO HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY CHOOSE?

Well, here's my simple 2-step guide to how to choose your KitKat Chunky Champion.

1) Pick your favourite flavour out of the following: Orange, Chocolate, White Chocolate, Peanuts
2) Buy the according KitKat Chunky

My personal KitKat Chunky Champion? a Twix. You've seen those right? Delicious shortbread covered in caramel and a thin layer of chocolate? Ever seen a TWIX CHUNKY? Thought not.

Now, for FREE, I will give Nestle some better ideas for KitKat Chunkies. I command you invade the KitKat facebook page and demand these to be crowned CHUNKY CHAMPION:

Le KitKat Chunky: exactly the same put with a picture of a baguette on the packet
KitKat Jelly: Chocolate covering is entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Double Jelly: Chocolate and wafer entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Meaty: The wafer is replaced by ham.
KitKat Meaty Smokey BBQ flavour. Self explanatory
KitKat Grumpy: Marmite flavoured chocolate.

NOW GO TO THE KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION FACEBOOK PAGE AND VOTE FOR THESE. YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR MEDICINE LONG ENOUGH! 

KitKat Chunky Champions, 60p, Nestle
Gobble Monkey says:
Orange: 4 out of 7
White Choc: 2 out of 7
Double Choc: 3 out of 7
Peanut Butter: 1 out of 7

Percy Pig Juice

Oh come on! Enough already Percy! We've already eaten your face, tail, wife, children, 'pals', your nose and your tail - and now we have to drink your juice?!?

Are Marks and Spencers so determined to literally squeeze every last drop of cold hard cash out of your poor withered body?

By the way "M&S", I'm assuming this fruit juice IS suitable for vegetarians, although you will note that this Percy does NOT sport a green ear on the carton.

MARKS AND SPENCER YOU ARE CONFUSING ME WITH YOUR PINK EAR / GREEN EAR MIXED MESSAGES. You promised me that only green eared Percy's were pork free. It's a simple rule that you set yourselves, so keep to it. All I am asking for is consistency. DOES THIS JUICE HAVE PORK IN IT OR NOT?

If I was a vegetarian and I wanted some Percy Juice, I would have no other option than to pour a bag of Veggie Percies into a blender and drink the results. That would be the only way to be sure I was getting a completely non-gelatine experience.

This grape and raspberry juice is 'partially from concentrate', has no added sugar and tastes entirely of grape. It does not taste like the sweets.

I do like the drawing of Percy on the front though. He looks contented.

Percy Pig Grape and Raspberry Juice, £1.49 for three (SUITABLE FOR VEGANS)
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

While we're here, let's take a look at some other new products on the market:

KITKAT CARAMEL:

I assume these are new. I haven't seen them before. They do have the pleasing 'old style' foil and paper packaging though.

It would be difficult to make a KitKat any WORSE than it already is (God knows they tried with the ORANGE one and the sick, sick 70% Dark one), so well done Nestle for finally working out that caramel makes ANY biscuit 10 times nicer.

Hey, I've got another good idea for you Nestle - why'll you're at it, why not replace the CARDBOARD you currently pretend is wafter with some lovely shortcake? HMMMMMMM? And rename it a TWOX.

Shockingly, there is no actual layer of caramel in these (unlike the KitKat Caramel Chunky), just caramel flavouring. Well done Nestle, you even managed to mess that up.

KitKat Caramel, Nestle, £1.29
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

SKITTLES: "Crazy" Cores:

With these, the outer coating is one flavour while the "crazy" core of the Skittle is another.

The "surprising flavour combos" are:

Mango/Peach, Cherry/Lemonade, Melon/Undisclosed 'Berry',
Blue Raspberry (MY FAVOURITE SORT OF RASPBERRY)/Lemon and Strawberry/Watermelon.

They are delicious.


If only nature could make these proper flavours by itself instead of boring ones like carob or salad. Luckily Skittles have managed to surpass nature (AND THEREFORE GOD) and improve on his lame original so-called-natural flavours by combining them and making them blue.

Check out the "crazy" instructions on the packet - the absence of an exclamation mark leaves them curiously bland, and it is fun to say them aloud in a dour, sad voice. TRY IT. (Sadly I disobeyed the instructions and therefore my imagination has NOT been released.)

Skittles Crazy Cores, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

McVities medley:

Remember the crushing disappointment of finding a Tracker bar in your school lunchbox instead of a Trio? Well meet the new Tracker - the medley.

These have been around a couple of months, but I've been avoiding them. In their wisdom, McVities have decided to ignore basic grammatical rules and write medley with NO capital letter, instantly making them 10x more quirky than their erroneously named Quirks.

medlies (medleys?) are full of OATS. Who puts OATS in a bar anyway? An OAT has no place in the world of snacks. I don't like OATS, I like sugar and chocolate. An OAT is one of nature's previosuly mentioned boring flavours.

(I did not taste the nut one because I don't like nuts. Yes, that's right I am a monkey and I don't like nuts. When's the last time you saw a monkey eating nuts anyway? If you think a blog about sweets should not be written by someone who doesn't like nuts is wrong, then go and read this instead).

P.S. medley's (medlies) are surprisingly nice, despite high OAT content. (Luckily the oats are smothered in sugar and chocolate.)

McVities medley, £1.80 for six
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

KINDER EGG:
In a final slap in the face, Kinder have gone and changed the one constant in my life, the one thing i thought I could always rely on... the yellow plastic inner egg.

Now it flips open, retaining it's top half like a lid, rather than splitting into two halves. This takes away the satisfying pop out you got when biting it open with your teeth, BUT I must admit it is better. Sometimes, change is good.
BUT ONLY SOMETIMES DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE.

KitKat Caramel Cream Senses

For years, idiots have been wasting at least 40p daily on KitKats, which are basically chocolate-covered cardboard.

It seems Nestle must have known how boring KitKats were because a few years ago they started plonking other stuff on top of them and calling them 'KitKat Senses' - as if the KitKat itself had come to its senses and realised how pathetic it was.

The 'Senses' revolution kicked off with a 'creamy hazelnut flavour', which must have been mega-successful as it's been replaced with this Caramel Cream version:

The 'caramel cream' itself is an incredibly sweet beige-coloured paste - nice, it's just a shame that it's on top of a KitKat.

To see if it would be even nicer if it wasn't on top of a KitKat, I delicately removed the lower wafer section using a sharp knife, leaving just the chocolate covered caramel sections. THEN I ATE THEM.

I can confirm, yes, they were tastier with out the cardboard under-carriage. However, then i just lost my temper and did this:

and put it all in a yogurt.

KitKat Caramel Cream Senses, Nestle 49p
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7