The Great American Cereal Book

Check out this book I got:

Yeah that's right, a 368 page hardback book all about cereal. That's the kind of book I like reading OK? Cereal is good - as Jerry Seinfeld said, what could be better than eating and drinking at the same time with one hand without looking?

There's even a full range of Gobble Monkey cereals.

But American cereals are mental.

While here in the UK we have terminally dull cereals called things like "Start", (I call it Stop) and "Special K" (Nothing special about it and it doesn't begin with K), in America they just put doughnuts in a bowl with milk and eat them for breakfast:

Note the free torch. Anyway I suppose they make some sort of vague sense - unlike these:

I cant imagine the guys at Kelloggs okaying those. Cereal that grows in a tree? And just look at the slogan:

"We are the Freakies. Oh we are the Freakies. And this is our Freakies tree. We never miss a meal, 'cause we love our cereal."

Now I know it was the Seventies, but in what universe is that a good slogan? It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't make sense and it mentions trees.

And these are apparently based on people Freakies creator "Jackie End" knew - including HamHose, Snorkeldorf and Grumble. The guys down at Wells Rich Greene must have loved Jackie End mustn't they? I bet they loved marketing his tree-based cereal. That's probably why they made up that rubbish slogan.

But the most freaky thing about Freakies is that the actual cereal doesn't look freaky at all, it's just little round hoops, no freakier than a Cheerio. Maybe that was Jackie End's masterstroke - you look at the box, you read the slogan, and just when you thought things couldn't get anymore freaky - they didn't.

But hey, what about if you love cereal - BUT HATE SPOONS? Then just get some 'Fingos':

"The cereal you eat with your fingers" - isn't that just crisps?

Anyway, here's Boo Berry - he's some sort of effeminately dressed blue ghost. That's normal. Now look at his face. He looks like he's about to throw up all over you doesn't he? Maybe he's eaten too many bowls of Boo Berry. How many bowls is too many? I reckon about one. (No prizes for guessing what colour his vomit will be.)

I would like to get hold of that hat though. But hold on, Boo Berry's got a friend - he's called FrankenBerry.

Don't worry about what FrankenBerry is or that his name makes no sense. He's just some sort of re-animated dead strawberry with metal eyes and a clock attached to his bum-shaped head, OK? It's not important. Just stop thinking about it.

Not all American cereal is good though. Almond "Delight" was so disgusting they had to give away free money to get people to buy it:

Now quickly close your eyes and imagine the craziest cow you can think of. Ready? Now look at this:

That's right - he's wearing a pink hat. Was the crazy cow you imagined wearing a pink hat? I bet he wasn't. And look - Crazy Cow cereal turns the milk STRAWBERRYEY! Suck on that Coco Monkey.

The Great American Cereal Book by Martin Gitlin and Topher Ellis. £11.19, available from amazon
Gobble Monkey says: seven out of seven

Gobble Monkey reviews French cereal here.

Gobble Monkey's least favourite cereal mascots here