Nestle Cereal Mix

I wonder if Dr Kellogg could have imagined what the French would one day do to his beloved invention - the cereal flake.

Look at these - 'Nestle Mix' - a kind gift from France, home of the world's finest cuisine.

I cannot translate the name, but they would seem to be the French equivalent of our own 'Kelloggs Variety' - six mini-boxes of classic cereals each providing just enough for one bowl. The difference is, instead of the obligatory 'Rice Krispies' which would always be left 'til last in favour of the Coco-Pops, ALL the cereals in Nestle Mix are chocolate themed - there's not a dull selection among them.

A boring English man, used to compensating any tiny morsel of rich food with copious amounts of blandness, would baulk at the prospect of six chocolate flavoured cereals. 'Please sir, may I have some dry Wheat Biscuits?' he would say. So in the spirit of William the Conqueror, I will now attempt to eat all six in one sitting.

VIVE LA FRANCE!

BOWL ONE: Nesquik

These tough little chocolately balls are, of course, also available in the UK. I've never had them before, but as the simple-faced rabbit says: "Nouveau encore plus Chocolat" which translates as 'Looks and tastes a bit like my own droppings'. Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of seven.

BOWL TWO: Cookie Crisp

I've always avoided these when I've seen them in Tescos. At their most basic level, they are just biscuits in milk, or as the French say: "cereales au gout de biscuit avec des pepites saveur chocolat" - cereals that taste of biscuit with chocolate nuggets.

Quite tasty, but I in no way acknowledge this as a real cereal. You might as well put a Jaffa cake in a bowl of milk and call it CHOCO-ORANGE SPONGE FLAKES. Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of seven.

BOWL THREE: Crunch

Getting a bit sick of chocolate now. These are like little chocolate armadillos or hard shelled chocolate beetles. So tough, they're almost painful to eat, and bear little resemblance to their chocolate bar namesake. I imagine this is what it's like eating bark. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of seven.

BOWL FOUR: Chocapic

Chocapic's slogan is: "C'est Fort En Choclat!" (It is strong in Chocolate!) spoken by a crazed dog brandishing a spoon. He may look like he's been driven completely insane be rabies, but that dog is not wrong - these chocolate flavoured toe nail clippings are rock hard with an extreme bitter chocolate taste. It's too much. Who started eating chocolate for breakfast anyway? I bet it was the French. Oh they j'adore their chocolat so much don't they? Who else would take something as plain and simple as bread and then stick chocolate in it and eat it for breakfast? Well they can take their Nestle Mix and shove it up their bums. Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7.

BOWL FIVE: Lion.

While the rest of the world rightly stopped even considering Lion bars as a viable chocolate bar in the mid-Nineties, the French have chosen to turn them into a cereal. AND THEY WERE RIGHT TO DO SO.

We know there is already Twix-Mix, but in the future ALL chocolate bars will be turned into cereals. In fact, you don't even need to wait until the future, just tip a packet of KitKat Pop-Chocs or Malteasers into a bowl of milk - instant chocolate cereal. TRY THAT ON FOR SIZE MONSIEUR DU LAIT.

Anyway, Cereales Lion mixes caramel flavoured flakes with chocolate flavoured flakes - and it is fantastic. Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of seven.

BOWL SIX: Chokella

Look at these - Chokella (translation: 'Chokella') - you can't get these in the so-called UK can you, you bowler-hat-wearing fish-and-chip eating fool? NO AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS. The slogan says it all: "MMMMM" which is the same when translated into English. I think it is the best slogan ever for anything - how could anyone resist MMMMM? Forget the smug-faced French child flying on a shiny paddle (LOOK CLOSELY IT IS A PADDLE) he is irrelevant. Instead concentrate on the toast shaped chocolate cereals. DO NOT PANIC they are not as nut-tasting as "cereales avec du ble complt gout CHOCO-NOISETTE" suggests. In fact, these are soft and dusty and among the greatest chocolate cereals ever made.

AND I LOVE CHOCOLATE CEREALS. AND THE FRENCH.

Gobble Monkey says: 7 out of seven.

BOWL SEVEN:

I MIXED THEM ALL TOGETHER MMMMM THE ULTIMATE CHOCOLATE CEREAL IT GETS 1 MILLIONS OUT OF SEVEN.

AU REVOIR DE LA SINGE GOBER MON PETIT FANS DE BONBONS!