HARIBO: Tangfastics

Sour sweets are all the rage these days, but Haribo's Tangfastics have always been the Sultans of the Sour Kingdom.

SIDE NOTE: I do not understand the name 'tangfastic' - OK they are tangy and they are fantastic, but surely that would make them 'tangTASTIC'?
(by the way if you enjoy Tangfastics then don't ever look up the definition of the word on Urban Dictionary.com)


So here are the classic Tangfastics:

Best are the Sour Cherries, followed by the Crocodiles, whose soft foam backs offset their sour jelly topping perfectly. (Sometimes there is also a very small Gummy Bear, but not today)

BUT NOW the German masterminds at Haribo have introduced a new LIMITED EDITION extra sweet into the Tangfastic family - The Rhubarb and Custard Splat.

Look how excited the Tangfastic gang are about welcoming the new edition. So thrilled is the Haribo bear, he cannot even bring himself to look at it. The Sour Cherries are grinning wildly. One Cola Bottle is trying it on already with a cheeky wink, while the other is wetting himself with anticipation. The Key/Dummy, who has even donned a bow tie for the prestigious occasion, is throwing his hands up in sheer jubilation. Only the Crocodile is able to contain himself, looking on with a gaze of muted adoration.

I must admit if I was a Haribo Tangfastic I would join them in their celebration. The Rhubarb and Custard Splat is a triumph. The intense flavour hits you straight away and will linger long after you've swallowed the remains of its gummy goodness - very much like a chewy, acidic version of the classic Rhubarb and Custard hard boiled sweets from giant plastic tubs in the newsagents of old. They're not the sourest of the Tangfastics - that honour remains with the Sour Cherry - but I would be so bold as to suggest it takes their crown as the Best Tangfastic.

The only drawback was that there was just ONE Rhubarb and Custard Splat in my packet. Madness.

Haribo Tangfastics inc. Limited Edition Rhubarb and Custard Splat, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7
Sour Rating: Medium/High

Percy Pig Imitations

Remember how we all enjoyed reading about Percy Pig and his Pals?

Well Percy, Lemon Sheep and Cola Cow are so popular, some sweet companies have tried to muscle in on their territory.







Have a look at Fruit-Tella's Percy knock-offs - 'Children's Farm'
If the terrible, terrible name is not enough to put you off, check out the horribly cheap cartoon drawing on the front.

Inside, it gets worse. They're like twisted Bizarro versions of Percy and his pals.

Look at this. How can this be allowed to happen? Is it possible that Marks and Spencer just 'forgot' to copywrite Percy Pig?

(Notice the one key difference - 'Bad Percy' isn't smiling like the real Percy. He hates you.)

The chewy animals in 'Children's Farm' don't appear to have names though.
If they did, they'd be:

Sickly Sweet Soap Pig
I'm Supposed to be Apple but I'm More Like Vomit Sheep
and
Sour Lemon Cow

Make no mistake about it, these grotesque parodies of Percy are awful - they have a sort of rubbery crust, like they've baked in the sun, with a horrible soapy aftertaste. Avoid at all costs.

Fruitella aren't the only Percy plagiarisers either. But at least Sainsbury's Eric the Elephants have the dignity to at least taste a bit like Percys.

Here, instead of a farmyard, Sainsbury's have plumped for some sort of Aztec jungle. But just like Percy, Eric has a lemon flavoured 'friend' and a cola flavoured 'friend', Cola Monkey and Lemon Lion. They are all evil.

Take a very close look at Lemon Lion's face and tell me he's not pure evil. Even Eric looks terrified.

Lemon Lion could easily have Percy in a fight couldn't he?

Still, if there's one thing Gobble Monkey likes better than Twixes, it's a bandwagon. So look out for these coming soon in ASDAs:

(By the way, Gobble Monkey's pals are Pineapple Parrot and Raspberry Robot.)

While we're talking about Percy Pig, I finally got round to trying the new Rosy Noses. M+S have now jellified almost all of Percy Pig's body. You can eat his face, his nose, his tail, his girlfriend and his children. If they run out of limbs, they could try Percy's internal organs - eg. Super Sour Lungs or Marshmallow Pig Hearts.

Here, marshmallow makes up the main body of Percy's snout, while a strawberry jelly topping comprises the nostril. They're perfectly pleasant, but a little sickly with a perfumed undertone. You couldn't eat more than two of these in a sitting. Three out of Seven. Still, I can't imagine we'll be seeing 'Lemon Lion's Fizzy Paws' in the supermarket anytime soon.

Fruit-Tella 'Children's Farm' fruit flavoured gums, £1
Gobble Monkey says: Zero out of seven

EDIT: Since this post, I happened upon these - a real slap in the face to Percy. (And his pals)

GUZZLE PUZZLE

Gobble Monkey hates Rowntree's Randoms. Listen, THEY ARE NOT RANDOM. They are self consciously wacky non-random jellies made in a boring factory in Kent. There's no 'Wacky Random Jelly Shape Generator' - it's just a Marketing Manager called Susan who runs endless focus groups to find out what middle-of-the-road jelly-shapes are most amenable to the widest section of UK sweet buyers.

However, Randoms have been very successful and even Gobble Monkey must admit they are moreish.

And now The Natural Confectionery Company are getting on the wacky gums bandwagon - but they've come up with a concept so mental it's about to blow the world of fruit-flavoured chews apart:

Chewy jellies that can be added together to produce new flavours!

The press release goes into more detail:

"Sworn to secrecy about how this unexplained magical flavour transformation happens, experts from the Natural Sweet Confectionery Co. have spent months taste-testing different wacky and wonderful flavour combinations to fine tune each fruity formula."

I actually managed to get hold of one of the confidentiality agreement that The Natural Confectionary Company Jelly Experts had to sign before they could start work on the Guzzle Puzzle project. Here it is:

OK So here are the suggested combos on the back of the packet:

WHAT SORT OF MATHS LESSON IS THAT?
Orange plus banana equals BUBBLEGUM?!? This sounds groundbreaking. I am beginning to see why they had to sign that contract.

(BTW: In an ideal world cinnamon would take its rightful place alongside salt and pepper on the dinner table, to be sprinkled liberally on desserts. So any cinnamon flavoured jelly is welcomed in Gobble Monkey's jungle.)

Well let me tell you the months spent fine-tuning fruity formulas by the Natural Confectionery Company Jelly Experts was wasted. Eaten separately, the gums are fairly tasteless, but when eaten together they curiously become even more bland. The individual flavours are rendered unidentifiable, mingling together to produce an fruity mish-mash of nothingness.


BUT HANG ON lets just take a closer look at that packaging again. Did you notice that asterix? Check out the priviso:

WHAT?! SOME COMBINATIONS MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE?!? Too right they aren't - I only had one 'Lime' jelly in my pack!! These AREN'T Rowntree Randoms! Why can't the factory computer be programmed to put in an equal amount of flavours!?! What if you opened your pack of Guzzle Puzzle and found just 16 banana flavour jellies and nothing else? You'd be stuck with Banana + Banana = Banana.

ANYWAY: You'll notice the secret formulas for some flavour cominations haven't been printed on the back of the pack. These seem to have been left for the consumer to decide on. If we take the lead from the Natural Confectionery Company Jelly Experts, that means just make up any old fancy-sounding flavour, knowing they'll all end up tasting of the same unindentifiable fruit anyway. Eg:

Orange + Lime = Strawberry milkshake
Cinnamon + Banana = Fudge brownies
Banana + Lime + Raspberry = Creamy salmon pasta bake

I would also question if putting a jelly ring on top of a jelly sombrero really counts as a 'puzzle'. It didn't take me very long to figure out. (I would have called them 'Flavour Equations'. Either that or Chewy Riddles. Or Gummy Problems. Or even Gummy Solutions.)

It's a shame Guzzle Puzzle doesn't really work, as I really like the idea. The sad truth is that Randoms are actually the better sweet. And you KNOW how Gobble Monkey feels about Randoms.

Guzzle Puzzle, Natural Confectionery Co. 50p
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7