Philadelphia: Cadbury

Listen - putting Cadbury chocolate into Philadelphia Cheese is a GOOD idea, so stop thinking it isn't.

There's a Depression on you know. Some people can't afford to buy both chocolate and cheese anymore. This is a vital life line. Stop being so selfish.

Just ask Brian O'Sullivan, managing director of Kraft Food Ireland:

"We are really proud to announce the launch of Philadelphia with Cadbury,” said Brian O’Sullivan, managing director, Kraft Foods Ireland. “It represents a bold cross-category innovation which brings together two iconic brands to create a new sub-category in the chilled aisle and a great tasting product for Philly and Cadbury lovers everywhere.”

Thanks Brian - but just but slapping together two random things in a pot doesn't get you a brand new "sub-catergory" - if it was that easy I could just put a sausage in a yoghurt and demand that Sainsbury's create an entire new aisle for it immediately.

It does sound like Kraft have done some canny market research here though  - apparently around 99.9% of all people who like cheese also like chocolate, so the most logical thing is to do is stuff them together into one pot as quickly as possible. I'm actually surprised it took them this long to think if it. I mean, we all enjoyed Philadelphia with Garlic and Herb. We all enjoyed Philadelphia with Chives. So this is just a natural progression.

Luckily parent company Kraft make both Philadelphia and Cadburys, so i assume they just redirect a pipe somewhere.

In truth, it's a sign of the times that there are few completely new products around. In an unpredictable market, it's far less risky to bolt-on a existing brand name to a well known product than release something unknown.
In the future, there will be no new ideas at all, and instead all ideas will merely be amalgamations of pre-existing concepts - like potatoes and bricks, or a kitten and a door-stop.

Cadbury Philadelphia is merely the beginning, my friends, of a long slippery slope that will lead into the endless recycling and combining of everything until all things are one homogeneous mass. A bit like a massive McFlurry.

But it is a very tasty slope so don't worry too much.

The big question - is it more chocolatey cheese or cheesy chocolate? Well, despite being 56% cheese, it's chocolatey with a slight after taste of cream cheese. A bit like a cheesecake. AND IT'S DELICIOUS.

Ultimately there are few products that aren't improved by adding chocolate. And while I can't see myself putting it in a smoked salmon bagel, "Philly Choc" would make a lovely alternative to chocolate spread on a bit of toast, as a dip for a Twix finger, or, my preferred method, just spooned directly into my mouth.

Philadelphia Cadbury, £1.62
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

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KitKat Chunky Champion

The KitKat, mankind's greatest con.

How to persuade people to buy cheap horrible wafer biscuit? Simple, just smother it in chocolate. THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE.

And you didn't did you? Now KitKats are the world's best selling chocolate bar.

Realising this, the geniuses at Nestle  came up with another plan: If the fools buy lots of our horrible wafer biscuits when they're covered in a little bit of chocolate, what happens when we cover them LOADS of chocolate? 

And so, in 1999, the KitKat Chunky was born: More wafer, even more chocolate.

The equation seems to be: the more chocolate added, the worse the biscuit underneath must be. It's a blatant admission that the centre of a KitKat, its very soul if you like, is rubbish. It's like when you wrap up the dog medicine in a nice juicy sausage, and the gullible dog happily gobbles it down.

AND THAT GULLIBLE DOG IS YOU, MY FRIEND.

Look: I nibbled off all the chocolate off a KitKat Chunky to reveal the TRUTH:

LOOK AT IT! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!

Now in an effort to hide their bland, cardboard-like wafer from you even more, Nestle have launched four 'new' KitKat Chunky flavours, and it's up to YOU the kitkat buying idiots, to pick which one becomes the KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION and is permanently added to the range. (You can vote on their facebook page here.)

Here are the options: Peanut Butter, White Choc, Orange and "Double Choc"

Blimey, how did they come up with those crazy flavours!? Peanuts, orange, and EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE. Anything to cover up that god-awful wafer eh?

SO HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY CHOOSE?

Well, here's my simple 2-step guide to how to choose your KitKat Chunky Champion.

1) Pick your favourite flavour out of the following: Orange, Chocolate, White Chocolate, Peanuts
2) Buy the according KitKat Chunky

My personal KitKat Chunky Champion? a Twix. You've seen those right? Delicious shortbread covered in caramel and a thin layer of chocolate? Ever seen a TWIX CHUNKY? Thought not.

Now, for FREE, I will give Nestle some better ideas for KitKat Chunkies. I command you invade the KitKat facebook page and demand these to be crowned CHUNKY CHAMPION:

Le KitKat Chunky: exactly the same put with a picture of a baguette on the packet
KitKat Jelly: Chocolate covering is entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Double Jelly: Chocolate and wafer entirely replaced by jelly.
KitKat Meaty: The wafer is replaced by ham.
KitKat Meaty Smokey BBQ flavour. Self explanatory
KitKat Grumpy: Marmite flavoured chocolate.

NOW GO TO THE KITKAT CHUNKY CHAMPION FACEBOOK PAGE AND VOTE FOR THESE. YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR MEDICINE LONG ENOUGH! 

KitKat Chunky Champions, 60p, Nestle
Gobble Monkey says:
Orange: 4 out of 7
White Choc: 2 out of 7
Double Choc: 3 out of 7
Peanut Butter: 1 out of 7

Moshi Monsters: Addendum

Remember these Moshi Monster sweets? The ones with the questions on the packet without answers?

I thought they were some sort of existential pathway to another plane of knowledge, designed to make us question our very existence in the universe.

But I was mistaken. Some Gobble Monkey fans* got in touch to tell me the answers are actually on the packets.

I said: "NO YOU ARE STUPID THEY AREN'T I CHECKED CAREFULLY"
They said: "No they definitely are, look under the flaps."
I said: "NONSENSE I TRIED THAT THE FLAPS DON'T LIFT UP"
They said: "Yes they definitely do, I've got a packet here and I'm looking at the answers."
I said: "GET OUT OF MY GARDEN."

OK listen, in my defence, the plastic flap on the packet is stuck down FAST. And, when you finally manage to peel it open, the note that says "Answers under flap" IS UNDER THE FLAP. Look:

What kind of child could ever decipher that cruel, cruel riddle?

Anyway, now we finally have access to the answers, so prepare for your mind to be blown and the secrets of the universe to open up to you like a buttercup on a sunny day. OR to literally laugh your face off at some of the finest jokes ever written. READY?

HERE WE GO:

What's hairy and coughs?
Iggy with a cold!

(We can assume Iggy is some sort of furry animal, possibly that sinister-faced rabbit there)

What do you get if you cross Flumpy with a dozen eggs?
A very hairy omelette!

(We can assume Flumpy is some sort of furry animal - quite likely that smug-faced rabbit there.)

What does Waldo eat for dinner?
Micro-Chips!

(We can assume Waldo is some sort of evil robot.)

So the answers to life, the universe and everything are as follows: Iggy with a cold, a VERY hairy omlette and micro-chips. Feel enlightened?

Sadly Moshi Monsters are NOT some sort hippy candy trying to mind-wash the innocent brains of small children. THEY WERE JUST BORING ASSORTED FRUIT FLAVOURED GUMS AFTER ALL.
Hope that clears that up. 

*may or may not have been fans.