Twix McFlurry

So way back in Jan 2012, I wondered if this year would see the release of the almost mythical "Twix McFlurry" from McDonald's. Now I'm not saying the McDonald's bigwigs religiously read Gobble Monkey and obey it's every directive, but check this out:

It's just a massive co-incidence, right Ronald McDonald?

Hmmm anyway when Ronald McDonald started McDonald's restaurants back in the 1950s no one could have possibly dreamed of a Twix McFlurry. If you said the words "Twix McFlurry" to a 1950s American gentleman he would have probably called you a "nancy boy", punched you in the face and told you to get off his land before he shot you.

The words were literally meaningless. 

So a lot of people laughed at Ronald McDonald back then when he went around muttering things like "McFlurry" and "Fillet-O-Fish" incessantly. But that was mostly because he insisted on wearing make-up at all times. Plus back then people actually liked clowns and found them at least moderately amusing.

These days everyone hates clowns and finds them evil, and Ronald hasn't been allowed to appear in his own adverts since 1994, when he was replaced by things like salad and the Chicken Maestro.

Anyway, thank god that mental clown man stuck with his crazy ice-cream-mixed-with-a-popular-chocolate-bar idea because now in June 2012 they have finally reached their pinnacle.

So what do they taste like? Well, if you can imagine some cheap soft ice-cream with a Twix crumbled up in it, then you're most of the way there. Luckily that just about describes probably the best dessert combination of all time. Thanks Ron.

Twix McFlurry, McDonalds, 1.39p
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7
More Mcflurries

Pinky Pigs

My face went mental this week when I saw this:

@Angela_Barnesy: "This is my pal Jo Hoare's design project from school in 1991. M+S introduce Percy Pigs in 1995."

Jo Hoare 1991.
M&S 1995.

YOU DO THE MATH.

Now I've made false allegations against Fred Ferkel / Percy Pig before, and after the infamous "Tappsy Scandal" I am reluctant to open this particular Pandora's Pig Pen again. (All I'll say is, Jo Hoare, the Percy Pig empire is worth approx £2.2billion. M&S you better have a very good lawyer*.)

But either:

a) M&S are thieving b-stards who steal multi-million pound ideas from school children,
b) Jo Hoare has a functional time machine
OR c) the Percy Pig mould - like the works of Shakespeare and the likeness of Santa Claus - has gone into the public domain, and thus anyone can use it.** Even, say, cheap high street clothes retailers.

Yeah that's right, I said clothes retailers. Check these out, from popular UK high-street cardigan shop, Next:

MMMM SOMETIMES WHEN I AM BUYING A CARDIGAN I WANT TO EAT A SWEET SHAPED LIKE A PIG'S FACE ALSO.

Since when did Next start making sweets? I mean they make excellent cardigans, there's no argument there, none at all - but Pig Sweets? It's an odd extension to their range of socks and t-shirts with big numbers on. Anyway, they're definitely from the same mould as Percy / Ferkel - check it:

PINKY PIG

GOOD NEWS: JO HOARE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO 99% OF ALL PINKY PIG PROFITS***

BAD NEWS: Next's Pinky Pigs taste nothing like Percies. They're disgusting. Imagine eating some rubber that's been.... no, hang on, just imagine eating some rubber. That's it. They taste like rubber. And not even tasty rubber either. I'd imagine their cardigans actually taste nicer.

But this year I am hoping to win this:



so i am awarding them the full Gobble Monkey 7 out of 7. And if you don't like that, why don't you go and write a letter to OFCOM or something?****

Pinky Pigs, Next, £1
Gobble Monkey says 7 out of 7

thanks to @mullies for the sweets.
Check out more fake Percies here and here

*they probably do.
**it's definitely c) OK? Definitely.
***approx. £0.30p
****good luck with that.

Curiously Strawberry

Quick, what is the one thing you are most curious about in the whole world?

Decided?

Was it a strawberry?

No?

Oh.

Well look at this and tell me you're not the least bit curious about it:

Hmmmmmmmmm? Just look at their insane grinning faces and massive tongues! Now are you curious? Mental.

Now when I was a young monkey, I liked to eat a cereal called Cinnamon Toast Crunch - it was one of my favourites (I've often petitioned for cinnamon to take it's rightful place on the dinner table next to salt and pepper - a pudding condiment if you will).

But sadly Cinnamon Toast Crunch disappeared and eventually reappeared as 'Cinnamon Grahams' - the second worst cereal name of all time. (Named after their non-cinnamon flavoured cousins Golden Grahams.)

Having vowed NEVER to eat a cereal called Graham, I didn't buy them. But then Cinnamon Grahams were rebranded as Curiously Cinnamon a few years ago - the worst cereal name of all time.

I can only imagine that the marketing department at Nestle must have had a competition in the office to see if anyone could one up with a WORSE name than Cinnamon Grahams, and Janet from accounts came up with Curiously Cinnamon.

(The name doesn't even make grammatical sense, meaning I've been forced to call them "Cinna-meanies" - it's not perfect but it's easier for everyone involved.)

Also Janet must be the only person in the world to be curious about cinnamon. What's curious about cinnamon Janet? Hmm? I mean I like cinnamon, but only an idiot would be curious about it, it's really not that interesting.

There are at leasr five other cereal flavours I would be more curious about:

1) Curiously Coffee*
2) Curiously Liquorice*
3) Curiously slow roasted tomato, basil and parmesan quiche*
4) Curiously Uncurious*
5) Curiously Beef*

HOWEVER I am slightly curious about these new strawberry* variants, even if the name now makes even less grammatical sense. They've even had to put a little asterix to explain the word strawberry, just in case you thought the box didn't contain cereal, but actually a massive curious strawberry.

See, their full title is actually Curiously Strawberry Flavour - but that name (suggested by Janet) was obviously deemed a step too far to put on the packet.

OK so here's a naked Curiously Strawberry*:

Slightly disappointed about the lack of an insane face and massive tongue, but never mind, the real test of a new cereal is whether they taste nice 'raw' - sans milk - and I'm am pleased to say Curiously Strawberry* do. They have an intensely sweet strawberry* flavour.

Now here's a bowl of Curiously Strawberry* dans milk:

Are they nice? Well it's a bit like eating cornflakes with strawberry milkshake instead of normal milk. Which can only be a good thing.

CURIOSITY SATISFIED.

Curiously Strawberry, Nestle, approx £3
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7

*flavour