Marks and Spencer: NEWFANGLED

I'm not sure which one of Marks and Spencer is responsible for their new Newfangled sweet range, but whoever had done it should be locked in a cage. Maybe they let Twiggy into one of the meetings.

Anyway M&S obviously feel they can no longer work with the basic concepts that Mother Nature has given us, and, eschewing her naive ideas, they've replaced them with these outlandish - probably drug induced - nonsensical sweets.

What would poor, sweet innocent Percy Pig think of these?

Take the egg - probably nature's most perfect creation, a seamless oval of goodness. Look what Marks and Spencer has done to it:

Ok, first up, the name "Scrambled Eggs" - they're plainly not scrambled, they're fried. Then, you know how with a normal egg born of God or a chicken, there's a 1007-to-1 chance of getting a double yolk? Well with these "Scrambled" eggs, you get about 12 'Double Yolkers' in every packet!

M&S one, Mother Nature nil.

Next, check out "Chineapple Punks". It took me 35 minutes to decode the name - it's a bastardisation of Pineapple Chunks - but when I got it I laughed for 36 minutes. Then I was quiet. I realised that it's not just eggs that M&S have shown their contempt for. They don't even respect words now. They just make them up and splice them together as if they were M&S Tear and Share Sun-Dried Tomato and Garlic Focaccia. FINE. But now get this: Chineapple Punks are not hard, like you A FOOL expected them to be - THEY ARE SOFT. M&S have bested you AGAIN. Idiot.

Not content with destroying our language, now M&S turn their crazed eyes on maths. "123" are a shameless Guzzle Puzzle rip off, but at least they actually work. If you eat all three individually flavoured numbers, they combine to make cola flavour. M&S sensibly jettisons the nonsense Guzzle Puzzle combos that didn't work and sticks with safe old cola. (Never mind that there are plenty of cola flavoured sweets available that don't require burrowing around the packet to identify three different gums).SO now 1 + 2 + 3 = COLA which has RUINED maths forever and no one will be able to do sums again using the number six.

These are "Fluke Pastilles". Yeah you read that right - not FRUIT pastilles, but FLUKE pastilles. (That one doesn't work quite as well as Chineapple Punks does it, M&S?) The packet proudly boasts that these "contain NONE of your five a day!" booting out fruit in favour of flavours like cheesecake, bubblegum and dinner mint. That's right they couldn't even leave Mother Nature's second most perfect creation - the dinner mint - alone either.

Now imagine a chocolate lollypop that tastes like a drink. NOW STOP IMAGINING IT. M&S have turned your imagination into a sick, sick reality.

LUCKILY, all the Newfangled sweets that I tried were DELICIOUS. I even have some extra ideas for the range:

1) Edible Crow - full sized crow made out of marshmallow
2) Salty Robots - not sure what they are
3) Cola Soup - eaten warm
4) Sultarants - sultanas that taste like currants
5) Pig's Mugs

I also hope this revolution of madness spreads to the other M&S departments like cardigans and Mylene Klass.

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Marks and Spencers Newfangled Range:
Scrambled Eggs: Gobble Monkey says 5 out of 7
123: Gobble Monkey says 5 out of 7
Chineapple Punks: Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7
Fluke Pastilles: Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7
Cherryade/Orangeade Lollypop: Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7
Mango Spaghetti: UNTESTED
Chocolate Flying Saucers: UNTESTED

M&S previously went crazy with Percy Pig Ice Cream AND Colin the Caterpillar lollies AND Veggie Percies. So they should know better.