Curiously Strawberry

Quick, what is the one thing you are most curious about in the whole world?

Decided?

Was it a strawberry?

No?

Oh.

Well look at this and tell me you're not the least bit curious about it:

Hmmmmmmmmm? Just look at their insane grinning faces and massive tongues! Now are you curious? Mental.

Now when I was a young monkey, I liked to eat a cereal called Cinnamon Toast Crunch - it was one of my favourites (I've often petitioned for cinnamon to take it's rightful place on the dinner table next to salt and pepper - a pudding condiment if you will).

But sadly Cinnamon Toast Crunch disappeared and eventually reappeared as 'Cinnamon Grahams' - the second worst cereal name of all time. (Named after their non-cinnamon flavoured cousins Golden Grahams.)

Having vowed NEVER to eat a cereal called Graham, I didn't buy them. But then Cinnamon Grahams were rebranded as Curiously Cinnamon a few years ago - the worst cereal name of all time.

I can only imagine that the marketing department at Nestle must have had a competition in the office to see if anyone could one up with a WORSE name than Cinnamon Grahams, and Janet from accounts came up with Curiously Cinnamon.

(The name doesn't even make grammatical sense, meaning I've been forced to call them "Cinna-meanies" - it's not perfect but it's easier for everyone involved.)

Also Janet must be the only person in the world to be curious about cinnamon. What's curious about cinnamon Janet? Hmm? I mean I like cinnamon, but only an idiot would be curious about it, it's really not that interesting.

There are at leasr five other cereal flavours I would be more curious about:

1) Curiously Coffee*
2) Curiously Liquorice*
3) Curiously slow roasted tomato, basil and parmesan quiche*
4) Curiously Uncurious*
5) Curiously Beef*

HOWEVER I am slightly curious about these new strawberry* variants, even if the name now makes even less grammatical sense. They've even had to put a little asterix to explain the word strawberry, just in case you thought the box didn't contain cereal, but actually a massive curious strawberry.

See, their full title is actually Curiously Strawberry Flavour - but that name (suggested by Janet) was obviously deemed a step too far to put on the packet.

OK so here's a naked Curiously Strawberry*:

Slightly disappointed about the lack of an insane face and massive tongue, but never mind, the real test of a new cereal is whether they taste nice 'raw' - sans milk - and I'm am pleased to say Curiously Strawberry* do. They have an intensely sweet strawberry* flavour.

Now here's a bowl of Curiously Strawberry* dans milk:

Are they nice? Well it's a bit like eating cornflakes with strawberry milkshake instead of normal milk. Which can only be a good thing.

CURIOSITY SATISFIED.

Curiously Strawberry, Nestle, approx £3
Gobble Monkey says 6 out of 7

*flavour

Galaxy Flutes

What do you do if you're on a diet but you still want to constantly eat chocolate?

a) eat an apple
b) pour yourself some Diet Coke, put on Sex and The City and think about buttercups for a bit
OR
c) eat some 'health chocolate'

Most chocolate companies have a lighter product for their more "discerning customer" - eg Mars Delight, KitKat Senses and - i can barely bring myself to write it - the Twix Fino.

Basically, making chocolate healthy entails shoving some wafer in it and giving it a poncy name.

So here's the latest Galaxy health chocolate:

Flute, because flutes are light and floaty you see. Whereas a trombone is big and heavy. Galaxy Trombones would not work. Neither would Galaxy Extra Fat Oboe.

(Note the thin lower case font used to write flutes - they couldn't have made those letters any thinner could they? This is what you will look like if you eat Galaxy flutes.)

Here's what Galaxy say about the Flutes (sorry flutes):

“Galaxy Flutes perfectly encapsulate the indulgence and pleasure which have become synonymous with the Galaxy brand and are a perfect treat for a luxurious snack for discerning chocolate lovers.

Consumers will love the benefit of a combination of textures with the mix of wafer and cream providing an ideal afternoon snacking moment."

Hmmmm that sounds like the very definition of delicious doesn't it! (If you asked a robot to define delicious).

How could these possibly be low fat?! Look at all the nice words they use:

indulgence
pleasure
perfect
treat
luxurious
discerning
ideal afternoon snacking moment

These are going to be amazing right? Do you want to have a look? You do?

OK PREPARE YOUR EYES....
.
.
.
READY TO LOOK AT AN INDULGENT PERFECT PLEASURE TREAT?
.
.
.
GO!

Remember ladies, you may ONLY eat these in the afternoon

You see by "discerning chocolate lovers", what Galaxy really mean is desperate chocolate lovers.

My advice, just eat a twix then go for a walk afterwards.

Or try my new invention - it's called Dairy Milk Pan Pipe, and it's basically a chocolate covered piece of raw asparagus. Only 3 calories.

(As for me, I'm going to be buying all my Galaxy Flutes from this guy - 24 for £2.39!! That's less than 10p a bar! Still in date! Perfect for Halloween! And he's got a nice beard.)



Galaxy Flutes, 50p 
Gobble Monkey says 5 out of 7

Bassetts Jelly Mascots

Hello! Look, Bassett's have made some jelly sweets especially for the Olympic Games in June. HERE THEY ARE:

They are jellied versions of London's Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville, who are officially described as "two drops of steel with cameras for eyes"

Their story is that classic fairy tale of two drops of steel who are rescued from the last girder used to build the Olympic Stadium (the camera eyes are not explained in the story).

Their names are taken from some boring places in the UK that have some tenuous historical connection to the Olympics. Kids love boring places in the UK with tenuous historical connections to the Olympics almost as much as they love drops of molten steel.

WITH CAMERAS FOR EYES.

(They had to add the camera for eyes bit as someone on the design team was worried that characters based on bits of metal might be a bit, well, dull. And thank God they did! Imagine if Wenlock and Mandeville just had NORMAL eyes! I wouldn't have been able to get on board with that at all.)

So what happens when you take a blob of molten steel with a cycloptic eye camera and turn it into jelly*? THIS: 

What is that? What am I supposed to think about that? That I'm about to eat a jellied version of a drop of molten steel from a girder that went on to be used to make a building somewhere? YUMMY. And you thought Rowntree's Randoms were random. (They aren't)

Anyway, here's the mascot from Euro 96 when England held the European Football Championships:

Look at him - a lion, a nice friendly recognisable lion with a kind lion face. He's called "Goaliath" which is a real name plus has an amusing football related pun in it. But sadly in 1997 all lions were subsequently deemed racist. In fact, all cuddly animals were banned from being used as mascots in the UK after all of them were found to have some connotations of evil, antisemitism or just "didn't reflect our core values as a nation". The only safe, inoffensive material to base a mascot on was found to be steel girders.

That's why we got these two. PHEW!

In the future, I hope all symbols, mascots, logos and cereal-box characters will be reduced to shapeless proto-forms which don't resemble any recognisable object or carry any any preconceived associations.

So here's my idea for a mascot for the 2016 games. They can have this for free:

He's called Olympic Bob and he represents fair play and a conscientious attitude to picking up litter.

(P.S DON'T WORRY HIS EYES ARE CAMERAS)

Bassetts Jelly Mascots, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7

*i think I heard this question asked on University Challenge once.