Halloween Round-Up: Part One

Halloween is like Christmas for sweet fans.

Actually no it is much better than Christmas. And Easter. It's the one remaining Pagan festival that so far hasn't been usurped by chocolate peddling Vicars. Yes, they say, please help yourself to an Easter egg or a badly moulded Advent Calender chocolate snowman, BUT you must constantly think about the Bible/a prancing lamb/Tiny Tim while doing so. Halloween is purely based on a) scaring people into giving you sweets and then b) eating all of them.

And the mascots of Halloween - vampires, mummies, serial killers, the ghostbusters - are far more exciting than rabbits/Jesus/eggs (Easter) and a tree/Jesus/cardigans (Christmas).

AH BUT GOBBLE MONKEY, JESUS IS KIND AND SANTA BRINGS US PRESENTS, THEY ARE BETTER THAN GHOSTS AND ZOMBIES I hear you cry.

Well think about this Xmas/Easter idiots: what is Santa if not a ever-living ruddy-faced old man who creeps into people's houses late at night while laughing 'ho ho ho' sinisterly? And Jesus, who is still here after dying 2000 years ago, must technically be either a ghost or a zombie. So chew on that Xmas/Easter lovers.

And while you're at it, chew on these too:

HARIBO SPOOKY GHOSTS:

Last week, although I pretended I wasn't, I was terrrified by this egg. What will happen when faced with a actual (glucose-syrup based) 'Spooky' Ghost? (Does the word 'ghosts' really need the prefix 'spooky'? Can you have an unspooky ghost? I think it's implicit in the notion of ghosts. By their very nature, all ghosts are spooky.)

Anyway, these are a mixture of black, orange and white jellies - they are nicest in this order:

1.White
2.Black
3.Orange.

That's not me being racist. I just don't like the orange ones as much.

And since when has there ever been an orange ghost anyway? I've seen a white ghost*, I've seen a black ghost* - but no one has ever seen an orange ghost. Check out the orange ghost on the packet.  Look at his kind little face. He must rank as the least scary ghost I have ever seen. Maybe I was wrong about there being no such thing as an unspooky ghost.

Now look at Gold Bear's face - does he look scared? No, if anything, it's that white ghost who looks terrified, like he's desperately trying to escape Gold Bear's sticky paws. But wouldn't you be scared out of your wits if a gigantic insanely grinning yellow bear was about to sit on you?

Maybe Gold Bear has just slipped on a Tangfastic and is toppling (happily) on top of the ghost, awaiting his fall to be cushioned by the soft masrshmallowy ectoplasm. Well, the joke will be on Gold Bear when he falls straight through the ghost and onto the floor - hard. Then we will see who is the one smiling insanely. (Probably still the Orange Ghost).

Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 7

SMARTIES PUMPKIN:

Imagine if a pumpkin had Smarties when its seeds should be - now that's genuinally scary.

No one in their right mind would eat a real pumpkin - they are disgusting - so this chocolate pumpkin easily beats its bitter squash rival. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 12

                                                            Put that in your Advent Calender, Santa Claus.

SPOGZ SQUIRTING SKULLS:

OK these are skull-shaped jellies filled with a raspberry flavour 'goo'. (The 'goo' is supposed to be blood, the 'jelly' is bone.) I'm not sure what that massive purple alien monster has to do with anything. There is no other mention of aliens on the packet other than this strange announcement on the back - addressed to ALL humans: 

I, for one, have never EVER said the phrase "wow... yummm... mmmore!" in my life. Firstly, I know how to spell both the word yum and more with the right number of Ms. Secondly, I'm presuming these aliens have come to earth to squeeze our skulls until the blood comes out of them, so it's nice of them to set up a customer complaints PO BOX in Blackpool first. That is the first thing any self-respecting alien invasion does before they start skull squeezing. I don't trust them, so even though these didn't make me go wow... yummm... mmmore! I won't be writing in. Gobble Monkey says: SPOOKINESS LEVEL: 9

CLICK FOR PART TWO.

* I haven't
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