MARS: TRIPLE CHOC

Mars have done their market research and discovered that almost 100% of people who like Mars Bars ALSO like chocolate. Obviously this means that what people really want is a Mars Bar with chocolate flavour nougat and chocolate flavour caramel - THE TRIPLE CHOC. 

This pointless remake of the Mars Bar takes the classic bar in two very new and startling directions:

1) It's in a brown wrapper
2) It tastes very similar to a normal Mars but slightly worse.

In fact, as the brown wrapper is chocolate coloured, I reckon you could get away with calling this QUADRUPLE CHOC. You missed a trick there Mars. YOU IDIOTS.

Here's my advice chocolate fans - if you like chocolate so much, just buy some Dairy Milk.

Anyway, what happened to Mars: Double Choc? I never saw that one on the shelves. They skipped that one and went straight to Triple. Mars should bring out a full range of chocolate and non-chocolate based Mars Bars like this:

Mars: Un-Choc - naked Mars Bar. Absolutely no chocolate involved
Mars: Single Choc - original Mars
Mars: Double Choc - chocolate covering and chocolate caramel
Mars: Triple Choc - chocolate caramel, chocolate nougat and chocolate covering
Mars: Quad-Choc - as Triple Choc, but with chocolate sprinkles on top
Mars: Mega-Choc - as Quad Choc, but with with two 99s stuck in it
Mars: Mega-Choc Extreme - solid chocolate Mars Bar
Mars: Ltd Edition Mental Mega-Choc Extreme Extra - as above but the wrapper is also made of chocolate and comes with a free chocolate button

I look forward to those.

Mars: Triple Choc (Limited Edition), 70p
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

Frijj Shakes

I've never quite fallen in love the Frijj range of milkshakes, mainly because I've never been sure how to pronounce the name. These new flavours, promoted by a weird circus cat and a cross dressing dog, purport to be Raspberry Jam Doughnut flavour (ACTUAL  FLAVOUR: Raspberry) and Honeycomb Choc Swirl flavour (ACTUAL FLAVOUR: Chocolate)

They have the usual consistency of a barium meal, and taste almost identical to the traditional chocolate
/raspberry
Frijj flavours.
OH WELL.

(strangely enough, both flavours have almost EXACTLY the same ingredients)




At least you can look at a dog with an umbrella or a cat banging a drum before or after drinking them. (not during).




Frijj have given each of their new characters a distinct personality. They are:

Hugo Meeow “the serious, balshy, dapper, tough one”
Pablo Pooch “the poser and slightly flamboyant one of the bunch”
Magnus Monkee (NOT AVAILABLE IN MY TESCOS) “the mischievous, cheeky chappy of the group”

Hugo, Pablo and Magnus. They sound like a bunch of tossers, don't they? Oh Hugo, you're so balshy! Magnus, stop being so mischievous! And Pablo, you poser, is that a tea-cosy on your head? And an umbrella! Are you being slightly flamboyant again?

Has anyone actually ever been described as "slightly flamboyant" before? Is that possible?

"Hey, what's Pablo like?" "Well, he's a tiny bit ostentatious, but he keeps it mostly to himself."

And yes, before you ask I did try mixing them to make a Choc Raspberry Jam Honeycomb Doughnut flavour.(ACTUAL FLAVOUR: chocolate again).

But what you really want to know is did I mix TURBO Tango with Strawberry Jam Chocolate Honeycomb Doughnut flavour Frijj?

Yes I did.

WORLD FIRST.

Frijj Raspberry Jam Doughnut Flavour, £1.20
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

Frijj Honeycomb Choc Swirl flavour, £1.20
Gobble Monkey says:  4 out of 7

Frijj Raspberry Choc Jam Honeycomb Swirl Doughnut flavour, £2.40
Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

Frijj TURBO Raspberry Choc Jam Honeycomb Swirl Doughnut Orange flavour, £4
Gobble Monkey says: zero out of 7 

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DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE GOBBLE MONKEY CEREAL COMPETITION! here

TURBO Tango

Once Tango was an polite orange-based soft drink, then it was briefly about a big man slapping you in the face, now it is this:

TURBO Tango. A gas powered fizzy drink, designed to fill your mouth with a thick orangey foam. About as far away from an orange as it is possible to get. I don't even know if this thing qualifies as a foodstuff. Is it a drink? A toy? A weapon? It looks like the kind of thing you'd get tooled up with before setting fire to Footlocker. Look how violently exciting it sounds:

Any product that lists Nitrogen in its ingredients deserves full attention. Especially as its covered with slogans like 'READY TO BLOW!', 'NITRO FUELLED MAYHEM' and 'WARNING: FOAM EXPLOSION!' Watch out though, Britvic have trademarked all these phrases:

So don't go round casually saying FOAM EXPLOSION at any point OK? No matter how tempting it is. Even by repeatedly writing the words FOAM EXPLOSION here I am risking a massive law suit from Britvic. It's not like I haven't been warned - check out the in-your-face 'You Got That?' at the end there. "You got that DUDE? Yeah well you better GET IT bro, cos otherwise there's gonna be a FOAM EXPLOSION all over your face man!"

Let's see what the all together more sensible Jonathan Gatward, marketing director of Britvic Soft Drinks, has to say:

"With Turbo Tango, we’ve gone one step further and come up with a world first that really is 'soft drink meets squirty cream."

A 'world first'? You mean to tell me, Jonathan, that no one thought to mix Tango with dairy products before? It seems so obvious. But if that's your bag,  I've got some more 'world firsts' for you - how about 'soft drink meets skinny latte'? OR 'soft drink meets DairyLea Dunkers'? OR 'soft drink meets a quiche'?

Hopefully one day, ALL food and drink will come in foam form. Even a cup of tea. It would make life on the go much easier. Fingers crossed.

ANYWAY Let's stop messing around and start the FOAM PARTY! I can't WAIT to get me my FOAM EXPLOSION! (sue me Brtivic). I imagine it will be like a completely mental Ibiza foam party except ORANGE flavoured!

READY?

TAKE COVER! HERE WE GO!

QUICKLY CALL THE FOAM POLICE, THERE'S BEEN A FOAM EMERGENCY.

If i wanted some slightly flat Tango, I could just shake up a normal can and open it in my face. And I'd still have a more foamy experience than this. 

On the back of the bottle, it claims:

I would suggest, if you really want 'the ultimate foamy experience', you could:

a) have a bubble bath
or
b) do the WASHING UP

TURBO Tango will in no way will quench your thirst, and doesn't taste nice.

The two main things I ask for in a drink.

TURBO Tango, Britvic, £1.60
Interesting ingredient: Glycerol Esters of Wood Rosins
Gobble Monkey says: 2 out of 7

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DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE GOBBLE MONKEY CEREAL COMPETITION! here

COMPETITION!

How would you - YES YOU - like to WIN a fresh, unopened, well-within-sell-by-date packet of
 PIG'S MUGS? (The only sweet to ever receive the full 7 out 7 Gobble Monkey star rating.)

You would? Well, all you have to do is imagine how a GOBBLE MONKEY cereal box would look. What would they be called? Who would the mascot be? What would his slogan say? A bit like this:

But obviously a lot better. (or worse, it's up to you.) You can do anything you want but if you would like to use the templates below, please be my guest. Best entry will win the now highly sought after Swizzles Matlow gelatine-heavy Pork Faces (above)

RULES:
1) Gobble Monkey is a family website, so no smut please.
2) Closing date is 3rd Sept 2011
3) You don't have to use the box, you don't have to use the monkey. You can do anything you want.
4) No other rules

You can email your entries to chiltonrocks@googlemail.com

upload them to facebook at: www.facebook.com/gobblemonkey

or attempt to tweet them to: twitter/gobblemonkey

Winning entries will be displayed here. Unless no one enters.

GOOD LUCK!

COMPETITION CLOSED! To see the winners, click HERE

Percy Pig Juice

Oh come on! Enough already Percy! We've already eaten your face, tail, wife, children, 'pals', your nose and your tail - and now we have to drink your juice?!?

Are Marks and Spencers so determined to literally squeeze every last drop of cold hard cash out of your poor withered body?

By the way "M&S", I'm assuming this fruit juice IS suitable for vegetarians, although you will note that this Percy does NOT sport a green ear on the carton.

MARKS AND SPENCER YOU ARE CONFUSING ME WITH YOUR PINK EAR / GREEN EAR MIXED MESSAGES. You promised me that only green eared Percy's were pork free. It's a simple rule that you set yourselves, so keep to it. All I am asking for is consistency. DOES THIS JUICE HAVE PORK IN IT OR NOT?

If I was a vegetarian and I wanted some Percy Juice, I would have no other option than to pour a bag of Veggie Percies into a blender and drink the results. That would be the only way to be sure I was getting a completely non-gelatine experience.

This grape and raspberry juice is 'partially from concentrate', has no added sugar and tastes entirely of grape. It does not taste like the sweets.

I do like the drawing of Percy on the front though. He looks contented.

Percy Pig Grape and Raspberry Juice, £1.49 for three (SUITABLE FOR VEGANS)
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

While we're here, let's take a look at some other new products on the market:

KITKAT CARAMEL:

I assume these are new. I haven't seen them before. They do have the pleasing 'old style' foil and paper packaging though.

It would be difficult to make a KitKat any WORSE than it already is (God knows they tried with the ORANGE one and the sick, sick 70% Dark one), so well done Nestle for finally working out that caramel makes ANY biscuit 10 times nicer.

Hey, I've got another good idea for you Nestle - why'll you're at it, why not replace the CARDBOARD you currently pretend is wafter with some lovely shortcake? HMMMMMMM? And rename it a TWOX.

Shockingly, there is no actual layer of caramel in these (unlike the KitKat Caramel Chunky), just caramel flavouring. Well done Nestle, you even managed to mess that up.

KitKat Caramel, Nestle, £1.29
Gobble Monkey says: 3 out of 7

SKITTLES: "Crazy" Cores:

With these, the outer coating is one flavour while the "crazy" core of the Skittle is another.

The "surprising flavour combos" are:

Mango/Peach, Cherry/Lemonade, Melon/Undisclosed 'Berry',
Blue Raspberry (MY FAVOURITE SORT OF RASPBERRY)/Lemon and Strawberry/Watermelon.

They are delicious.


If only nature could make these proper flavours by itself instead of boring ones like carob or salad. Luckily Skittles have managed to surpass nature (AND THEREFORE GOD) and improve on his lame original so-called-natural flavours by combining them and making them blue.

Check out the "crazy" instructions on the packet - the absence of an exclamation mark leaves them curiously bland, and it is fun to say them aloud in a dour, sad voice. TRY IT. (Sadly I disobeyed the instructions and therefore my imagination has NOT been released.)

Skittles Crazy Cores, £1
Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

McVities medley:

Remember the crushing disappointment of finding a Tracker bar in your school lunchbox instead of a Trio? Well meet the new Tracker - the medley.

These have been around a couple of months, but I've been avoiding them. In their wisdom, McVities have decided to ignore basic grammatical rules and write medley with NO capital letter, instantly making them 10x more quirky than their erroneously named Quirks.

medlies (medleys?) are full of OATS. Who puts OATS in a bar anyway? An OAT has no place in the world of snacks. I don't like OATS, I like sugar and chocolate. An OAT is one of nature's previosuly mentioned boring flavours.

(I did not taste the nut one because I don't like nuts. Yes, that's right I am a monkey and I don't like nuts. When's the last time you saw a monkey eating nuts anyway? If you think a blog about sweets should not be written by someone who doesn't like nuts is wrong, then go and read this instead).

P.S. medley's (medlies) are surprisingly nice, despite high OAT content. (Luckily the oats are smothered in sugar and chocolate.)

McVities medley, £1.80 for six
Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

KINDER EGG:
In a final slap in the face, Kinder have gone and changed the one constant in my life, the one thing i thought I could always rely on... the yellow plastic inner egg.

Now it flips open, retaining it's top half like a lid, rather than splitting into two halves. This takes away the satisfying pop out you got when biting it open with your teeth, BUT I must admit it is better. Sometimes, change is good.
BUT ONLY SOMETIMES DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE.

Rowntrees Sour Faces

GOBBLE MONKEY LOVES SOUR SWEETS.  That familiar, almost painful, tingle that stabs the back of your jaw when you chew on a Tangfastic Sour Cherry is a small pleasure akin to licking a battery.

If you like sour sweets too, things have been simplified for you. Just choose your favourite of the following three things:

                                                                                     FACES
                                                                                MONSTERS
                                                                                   DRINKS

(which are the basic choices you can apply to most things in life really.)

Before you rush into a decision, here's the lowdown:

FACES:

Rowntrees have followed up their non-random 'Randoms' with these even less random 'Sour Faces' - jellied eyes, mustaches, noses, glasses and lips for people who like eating faces.

They just get away with mustaches and glasses, but i would question whether a bow-tie really counts as being part of a 'face'. Therefore I would rename Rowntrees Sour Faces as 'Sour Faces with Additional Sour Face & Neck Accessories.'

Anyway, there is some fun to be had with making the faces of various sour faced celebrities from the sour face parts and sour face/neck accessories.

                                                                                QUITE SOUR

                                                                       SOUR AS A LEMON

                                                                             VERY SOUR

(I cheated with that last one and used part of a cola bottle.)

MONSTERS:

Check out this open letter from the Haribo Head Office on the back of the packet of their 'Super Sour Monsters'.

They make it sound like 'GoldBear' is a mentally deranged loose cannon, allowed to wander freely round the Haribo factory, randomly making potentially fatal decisions over the sweet recipes.


"Hey, what's GoldBear doing over by the Tangfastics with his pants down?"
"Oh ha ha don't worry that's just Goldbear being a little bit naughty again!"

DRINKS:

Look at the (horrible) drawing of the sour cola bottle on the Fruit-tella 'Sour Drinks' packet. He's been driven INSANE by how incredibly sour he is, biting off his own tongue just to stop the sheer sourness of his very being.

These must be REALLY sour, right?

To find out I carried out the Gobble Monkey Sour Tongue Time Test. How long could each sour sweet remain on the tongue before it became too painful?

After the 'Children's Farm' fiasco, this is another huge embarrassment for Fruit-tella. They could get done under the trade descriptions act for this. I demand the word 'sour' is dropped from all future packaging, leaving them just called 'Drinks'. (Which will teach Fruit-tella for coming up with such lame unimaginative names for their products.)

'Sour' Drinks are the least sour things you will ever eat. (Unless you soak them in vinegar for an hour before eating. Then they are SLIGHTLY sour. Maybe that is what you are supposed to do.)

Ultimately, Faces may be slightly more sour than Monsters, but the latter's depth of flavour and superior chewiness gives them the edge.

Rowntrees Sour Faces, £2.49

Gobble Monkey says: 4 out of 7

Haribo Super Sour Monsters, £1

Gobble Monkey says: 5 out of 7

Fruit-tella Sour Drinks, £1.99

Gobble Monkey says: 1 out of 7

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Gelatine Free Veggie Percy

NEW PERCY PIG ALERT!

For a long time certain "wags" on the internet have enjoyed mocking Percy Pigs for their gelatine content, which of course ha ha ha is made from pork.

So by eating a Percy Pig, you are really eating a Percy Pig! (and various other unnamed but equally important pigs). Not such a big shock, as there is a massive drawing of a pig on the front of the packet. Hardly false advertising on the part of Marks and Spencers.

To make things fair, M&S have released these vegetarian Percies which contain zero gelatine. So now you can choose between pig sweets made of pig OR pig sweets not made of pig, but look like a pig and have a massive drawing of a pig on the front and big letters guaranteeing they don't contain any pig. Everyone clear?

If in any doubt, the 'Good' Percies have been marked with one green ear (THE RIGHT EAR) and the 'Bad' Percies have two pink ears. MAKE YOUR DECISION.

The green ear doesn't signify that Veggie Percies are environmentally friendly or made of pure asparagus - it just means that in the eventuality that someone (A MENTALIST) were to 'accidentally' mix a bag of Veg Percies with Non-Veg Percies, then you would be able to differentiate between them, thus eliminating all risk of tasting some gelatine.

On the Percy farm, I would worry that the 'green ears' and the 'pink ears' would form two rival warring factions, hell-bent on destroying each other for domination of the pen. Which pig army would Cola Cow and Orange Lemon side with? Would Colin the Caterpillar remain neutral? I think we ALL know where Penny would stand.

Anyway, 'Veggie Percy' have a slightly stickier consistency than a regular Percy, but they taste pretty much the same. (I expect Swizzles Matlow to bring out "Extra Pork Pig's Mugs now with LOADSA gelatine" soon.)

MORE ON EVIL PERCIES HERE

Veggie Percy, Marks and Spencers, £1.25 (NOT SUITABLE FOR VEGANS)

Special Ingredient: Hydrolysed Pea Protein

Gobble Monkey says: 6 out of 7

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All Time Top Six Worst Cereal Characters

6) CAPTAIN RIK

Um, how exactly did Captain Rik rise to the rank of Captain without being able to spell his own name right? Do NASA even allow children into space these days? Especially obviously communist ones.

The best era for Ricicles was the early Nineties when they put dried marshmallows in them. I still vividly remember the then-Children's BBC presenter Andi Peters launching an ill-thought out campaign to have them removed, brain-washing mailable children to sigh his stupid petition. Why was Andi Peters even eating Ricicles anyway, they were clearly for kids. Shortly afterwards, the only remaining marshmallow cereal, Lucky Charms, were taken off the shelves. I don't have enough evidence to pin that on Andi Peters yet, so I've had to drop my investigation. FOR THE TIME BEING.

5) LOOPY THE BEE

These round versions of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are NOBODY'S favourite cereal. Honey Nut Loops seem to be made exclusively for the 0.002% of the population that prefer 'loops' to flakes. I've never actually ever met anyone who's actually eaten them.

Look closely at "Loopy" the "bee" (here dressed a superhero for no reason). He looks more like a wasp doesn't he? No wonder no one buys these. 

3) COCO MONKEY

Apart from the notion of a chocolate obsessed monkey being completely ridiculous, Coco Monkey constantly spouts rubbish. (usually in rhyme)

His catchphrase - "I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops" - is nonsense. Rather than what? A bowl of Rice Krispies? Well, anyone would.

And his follow-up boast "TURNS THE MILK CHOCOLATEY" is just Kelloggs trying to claim that the colouring dissolving off their cereal is a unique selling point, rather than a lame side-effect of their substandard product. HMMMM a bowl of soggy Rice Krispies and some weak-flavoured chocolate milk. Delicious. Just what Coco Monkey didn't want in the first place.

3) KLONDIKE PETE

Klondike Pete is a prospector desperately mining for Golden Nuggets with 'Pardner', his pet mule.

NEWSFLASH. You can buy them in most large supermarket chains. Maybe Klondike Pete only has a Sainsbury's Local in his area.

Pete's catchphrase is "They Taste Yeee Haaa!" which is useful as  yeee haaa is my favourite of all flavours.

2) SNAP, CRACKLE & POP

Is Snap supposed to be a chef? And Pop is a soldier right? So what the hell is Crackle? A Stoke fan?

In other territories, where these noises don't exist, they have other names:

Belgium - Pif! Paf! Pof!
Finland - Riks! Raks! Poks!
France - Cric! Crac! Croc!
Germany - Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!
South Africa - Knap! Knaetter! Knak!
Mexico - Pim! Pum! Pam!


I have never had a bowl of Rice Krispies that went 'Snap!' anyway. He should be replaced with 'Knak!' with immediate effect. The other two can stay. FOR THE TIME BEING.

1) PROFESSOR WEETO

"Quick, we need a character for our new Weetos cereal.. they've done tigers, bees, a monkey, prospectors. What's left?"

"Got it - a balding old scientist."

"What?"

"Wait - his glasses are made of giant Weetos."

"Done."

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Rolo Biscuits

Hang on, Rolo "BISCUITS"? Are you sure? Because the last time I checked*, a biscuit was defined as:

bis·cuit/ˈbiskit/
Noun: A small, typically round cake of bread leavened with baking powder, baking soda, or sometimes yeast.

not: 'big squashed rolo'

They are small, and they are round, but to call these 'biscuits' is a down right lie. To prove it, I dissected one:

Yes, they do contain six tiny biscuit balls, lost in amongst a sea of caramel, but there's definately no yeast in there.

You could make a more accurate Rolo Biscuit by getting a rolo and putting it on top of a biscuit and then eating it.

In reality, 'Rolo Biscuits' are merely large, individually wrapped, flat Munchies. Which is fine. BUT WHY ARE NESTLE TRYING TO CLAIM THEY ARE BISCUITS?


A wise old man once told me "The proof of the biscuit is in the dunking" - well it might have been a wise old man or it might of been the coco-pops monkey, I can't remember.

But let's see if you can dunk a Rolo Biscuit in a hot cup of tea:

The hot tea disintegrates them in seconds, leaving a chocolately gloop waiting for you at the bottom of your mug when you've finished. You might as well just chuck a couple of Rolos in your cuppa - and what right minded person would do that?


Just to rub it in, I carried out the Dunk Test on two new (proper) caramel biscuits that have hit the supermarkets:

 

CADBURY'S CARAMEL BISCUITS: 

An extremely plain chocolate covered biscuit covered with a large pocket of caramel inside. Crucially, the biscuit forms a sort of well for the caramel, containing it and thus preventing leakage when dunked. Sadly, the protective shell of the thick chocolate means the tea cannot permeate the biscuit, meaning dunking does little but wet the outside. (These Cadbury's Caramel Biscuits appear to be completely unendorsed by the Caramel Bunny. Maybe she hates them.)




FOX'S CHOCOLATEY ...CARAMEL

Fox's Chocolately Caramel have an exposed shortcake biscuit covered with a plate of chocolate sandwiching a layer of caramel in between. Would the biscuit suffer from not having a protective chocolate shell? Well, they do get a bit drippy, and the shortcake gets quite soggy, but this only adds to the flavour. The better quality of biscuit really shines through here.

* I checked five minutes ago